Least popular halloween costumes

While guys have many options for halloween costumes, it was noted last year (in many, many places) that gals have been relegated to slutty angel, slutty maid, slutty vampire...
I now declare "Slutty Zombie" 2008's costume to beat*. Good luck getting some looking like this.

I'll send anyone who dons slutty zombie garb this year, each one shiny dollar.

(*displacing 2007's baby vampire.)

Peanut drudgery

Are you tired of spending up to 30 seconds making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Of course you are, you're a busy maverick! Now with yankee know-how you can shave as much as three seconds off that chore. New PB-slices come individually wrapped like American cheese, for your convenience. God knows what chemical goodness is required to make peanut butter behave like a slice of cheese, but I don't care. I can spend all that extra time developing my own invention: the loaf of pre-toasted bread.

Thanks PB Slice Company, for believing that the 27 second PB&J was possible!

Humor me...

Anyone notice that shrill, loathsome, needlessly arrogant GOP VP pick Sarah Palin could be church lady's daughter? ...that, or the church lady is a good prediction of what this dense lady neandrathal will become.

How many hard boiled eggs can he eat NOW?

Who'd have thought that George Kennedy would have outlived Paul Newman?

What this country needs is...

more CEOS murdered by their own workers.

Chicago's Awesomeness: DMV Edition

The short version, now there's a kiosk.

I got my license plate sticker renewed in under 2 minutes . . . I thought I was in Canada.

Houston's suckiness

Although the media moved on after just 4 days of obsessing about the windows in the Morgan Chase Tower, they never got around to covering Houston which is very damaged, and continues to be screwed up.

Seven days and counting and this place is still more than 50 percent out of power. More than half the street lights are still not working. The soonest my lights will be on is Tuesday. The longest estimate is 4 weeks. This is how the "Energy capitol of the nation" responds to an outage? Seriously, what is the longest that ComEd has left you without power?

It will be a happy day when I leave this crappy backwater town.

Ike is a punk-ass

I am in Austin. I fled the storm about twenty hours ahead of time. Kristin and I have been pretty shocked by the damage from a category two Huricane. After three days of indoor-iness, we've got cabin fever bad. Mocking Anderson Cooper in his clingy black tee and hip waders has lost its appeal. The bldg that lost all its windows being shown on the news is my office (and my side of the building). We've been told not to expect to go back to work before Wednesday. A friend did a drive-by and was able to tell me that my apartment is intact, but no electricity, lots of trees down and the neighborhood is flooded. Not sure when to head back. Could be weeks without electricity.

Kristin's parents had water in their house, their garage door blew in, and their backyard pear tree was lost.

On the bright side, Uncle Jpeg is a hit with Osby.

For your evaluation...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and conclude that this is the world's ugliest lamp, for all time; the category is now retired.

Take three incompatible ideas and force them into awkward, half-assed relationships. Disregard all sensory evidence that you're making the visual equivalent of nails on a blackboard. Soon you'll have something that looks unfavorably like the insides of a scrotum dangling from your ceiling, as in this creation by designer Sarah Cihat.

A paperclip jabbed into two testicles? ...fugly.

10-4, Dead Buddy!

Singer, actor and Smokey irritant Jerry Reed has passed away.

His film legacy and guest shot on Scooby Doo will live on.

You got no Guts!

Perhaps you recall plush microbe toys from 2003? Now there's stuffed guts. This is your liver! and if you don't mnd me saying so, when it turns yellow, you should be turning down more nightcaps.

Dude, we're getting the (fake) band back together!

The terrorists have not won. God bless America . . . and Fleegle.

I suppose a guy gets thirsty, eh?

Looks like Lance Armstrong is the biggest user of water in Austin, Texas - according to the city, he wound up using 330,000 gallons of water on his property in the month of July.

I guess riding that bike all day long makes someone want to drink a lot of H20 or even take a dip in a private pool, but this sounds more like H2Oh my God

...still believe there's a God? (an atheist provocation)

After the freak death of Christian gospel singer Stephen Chapman's daughter back in May, comes more evidence suggesting that God does not actually give a s*** about his flock*. A 79 year old Oklahoma churchgoer, watching from his parked car with his wife as his church attempted to lift it's new steeple into place... was instead brutally killed when the crane (and the steeple) collapsed on him.

God really has it all under control. He's the king of heaven and he has a taste for sick irony. Hasn't this widow's lifetime of religion been rewarded? Isn't this just the thing to strengthen her faith? It's a big F.U! to the church (and the faithful) from the big guy upstairs, who must be exhausted after killing 90,000 people in the Chinese earthquake and leaving 5 million survivors homeless. God's love is so heart-warming.

So let's open our hymnals to page 170, and sing "O Send me to my Rest with Jesus by Crushing my Sorry Ass under a Giant, Mutli-ton Crane!"

(*I kid, he can't care if he doesn't exist)

Estelle Getty, we hardly knew ye.

Now where did I put my black brunch coat?

Oh my, Dick!

An intoxicated Andy Dick was arrested today for yanking a womans tank top down and freeing her breasts, and was found to have marijunana and Xanax on him... which is strange because he seem to really have it together in his mug shot.

Pick the State

A 66 year old man was severely injured this week when he used a shotgun to loosen a nut on his tire, in:
a) Texas
b) Tennessee
c) Mississippi
d) Washington
e) Georgia

Starbucks to close 600 stores . . . of their own!

Continue reading "Starbucks to close 600 stores . . . of their own!" »

puzzlefarter

Put a little guy through his paces, via gas expulsion, with this video game.
(T-minus ten seconds until someone chimes in to say they saw this three months ago, or such).

The Daily Mash (U.K.)

England recently unleashed their foul-mouthed version of The Onion.

Sample Spoof-Letter to the Editors
"Dear Chancellor of the Cocking Exchequer,
As if I did not already have enough on my plate clearing up all your other shit, you now expect me to bend over so you can stick it right up me in public, like some tit-knobbing arse jockey, just because a loaf of bread now costs a clitting fiver. Well try publishing this, fuck-button."

I have no idea what this concerns, but I do admire his inventive swearing. "Fuck-button" ...that's darn good stuff.

Other Mash headlines:
Foot Collectors flock to Canada Shoreline
People who Know How to F*cking Park on Brink of Extinction