The teX Files

A large number of people down here insist they saw a UFO last week . Says one witness in the video, "it seemed to be hoovering over Stephenville." Um, I'm pretty sure he means hovering, unless they just came for the light housework.

Naturally I assumed aliens were waiting for something momentous (my graduation) to divulge themselves.

Iraqi Gov't Has a Pair?

Blackwater: Banned in Iraq

Who'da thunk it? Iraq instigates a troop withdrawal before the US Congress does?

Also, because the US media would never actually show you an IED in action:

I woke to find I live in Bizzaro World

Bush compares Sept. 11th to Pearl Harbor and Marbury "defends" Vick by saying dogfighting is like hunting deer.

Carl-crest OUT!

But "King Decider" sounds so much cooler

GW commutes Scooter Libby's prison sentence . . . giving us one more reason to hate his plutocratic ass! I'd say "Off with his head!" but what would be the fucking difference.

You're doin' a heckuva job, Rudy

Yowza. Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi on Bill Maher's favorite cross-dresser.

Giuliani: Worse Than Bush.

Funeral for Christian whacko disrupted by Christian whackos...

Christ's followers have disrupted Jerry Falwells funeral with a car full of anti-protestor bombs. (...titter!) Don't ask. When contacted later, Christ went on record saying "I can't stand these @ssh*les, but they won't stop following me. I'm sorry I ever started this cult."

Interestingly, the entire deeply moral & pious G.O.P. have failed to show up at the blessed reverend's funeral.

The overlooked lesson of Falwell's exit? He was surrounded by thousands of people, but God waited till he was alone to knock him off, so noone could help him. Interesting.

& Here in Texas this week a 19 year old father put his baby in a microwave and plead "Not Guilty", of course, because "Satan told him to do it."

Above image available as a t-shirt from TshirtHell.com

Maybe they put her down?

Ya know, like Barbaro?

What the fuck is this country coming to?

Kramer Kisses his Kareer goodbye

What a pathetic excuse for a meltdown . . . Lenny Bruce, he ain't.

The up-side: Mel Gibson now 37% more employable.

But I got a prostate the size of a grapefruit!

Levy County in Florida recently required library volunteers submit to a drug test as a condition of...er...volunteering.

You know, cuz we can't have Grandma gopped up on the goop while she attempts to do something with all that free time. Sounds like it'd be less hassle to start on that nasty crack habit.

He was for Staying The Course before he was against it.

(Thanks, Paz.)

Frist: Let's Work With The Taliban

This makes my brain hurt. WTF?!?!

Bill Frist has officially lost his mind.

You know, maybe he's got a bigger plan.

1. Work with the Taliban in Afghanistan to gain political power.
2. Recruit young Al-Qaeda fighters into a more formalized Afghanistani military.
3. Send 'em to Iraq to fight the Great Satan.
4. Profit!

Bill, you wiley rascal, you gots it all figgered out.

Sheesh.

Students of human behavior, I give you "Hong Kong Bus Uncle," the Youtube clip making it's way around the studio, in which, two strangers on public transportation try to resolve their conflict.

Insanely Agressive Guy: "I'm warning you. I like to fight. Let's shake. I fuck your mother."
Absolutely Passive Guy: "OK"

Suddenly the Deliverance pardon doesn't seem so weird

U.S. News & World Report: "Dubya loves a good fart joke."

Animal House in the West Wing

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we're learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.

(Thanks, Gary)

Huge Campaign Finance Savings Coming Soon To An Election Near You

Politicians soon will be able to divert campaign war chests to a different focus: Finding the best people available to rig the local Diebold voting machines.

Apparently all it takes is a screwdriver. Awesome.

Lake Peigneur

The laws of physics are cool. Watch them in action, kids!

[thanks, Chris]

NE Ohio flooded

Graf's family is very lucky to only have a bit of water in their basement. Some of their neighbors...not so much. Never a good sign when you can jet ski down Main Street. And I hear the Chipotle is flooded! Send in the National Guard, people!

Mother Nature 1, Lake County 0.

The Graf family lives on this road.
In Mentor, Hodgson Road between Lost Nation and Rt. 306 is impassable.

Mellified Man

Two Words: Band Name.

I now know how I want to go out. Eatin', shittin' and swimmin' in honey.

I feel safer already

A Homeland Security report exposes some rather skewed "potential target" data, and the great state of Indiana is at the top of the list of potential terrorist targets by state.

The National Asset Database, as it is known, is so flawed, the inspector general found, that as of January, Indiana, with 8,591 potential terrorist targets, had 50 percent more listed sites than New York (5,687) and more than twice as many as California (3,212), ranking the state the most target-rich place in the nation.

Now, Graf and I have always joked that we'd love it if "they just got rid of Indiana" during the drive from Chicago to Cleveland, but I never realized there was government funding studying the potential... Maybe it's all those fireworks stores? Casinos? KKK members? All those damned Amish?

Some other high-level targets inlcude:

• A petting zoo in Woodville, Ala.


• Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn.


• “Nix’s Check Cashing”
(Ed. That's where MCA does all his "phony-paper-passin'")

• etc.

Rogue Helicopter Taunts Psycho

This made my whole day. Thanks, Chris.

"Wherever you are, Mr. Helicopter Pilot - COME OUT OF YOUR HOLE!"

Wait, what are we supposed to stop?

I heard the wrap party for this video was at Whitney's house because she had the best rock.

I'd just like to point out the crazed garbageman at 4:10 is now THE FUCKING GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA.

Stop The Madness, indeed.

via tha boing

...speechless

Pro-life statue of Brittney Spears giving birth* unveiled. Never mind that she had a C-section.

ahominahah.. fubidhah (other unintelligible sounds)

*on a bearskin rug naturally.

Crazy like a fox!

Almost nothing makes me happier than Liza Minnelli, or, more specifically, this montage of Liza with a Z on Larry King Live. Loves it!

Is it hot in here?

Record Set for Hottest Temperature on Earth: 3.6 Billion Degrees in Lab.

Yowza! The best part? They don't know how they did it. Maybe if they got Chris and Mitch on the job they'd be able to figure it out.

Best Press Conference EVAR

Wow, that was worth the wait...

A grotesquely disfigured Dick Cheney's bizarre, freakish "interview", in which he jumps up and down on a trampoline and fondles fish and a gun, tells the audience:

"Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my black little heart! You came here for some excitement tonight and that's just what you're going to get! Take a good look at ME because I'm going to be on the front of every newspaper in this country tomorrow! You're looking at crime personified AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! I framed Leslie Bacon! I called the heroin hot line on Abby Hoffman! I bought the gun that Bremmer used to shoot Wallace! I had an affair with Juan Corona! I blew Richard Speck! And I'm so f--king beautiful I can't stand it myself!"

"Now, everybody freeze! Who wants to be famous? Who wants to DIE for their country?!"

When an audience member leaps up and replies: "I do!", he shoots him, and when the audience flees, he continues to fire on them maniacally.

(with apologies to John Waters and the late Divine)

This is a joke, right?

Brownie to start emergency planning consulting business.

I wouldn't hire this guy to oversee the making of a cheese sandwich. I suppose his first client will be himself, so he can plan how to fix his disaster of a career.

Science = magic

Conservative vote-tamperer & has-been, Cruella DeVille, errr... Katherine Harris, ordered a study in which researchers worked with a rabbi to test ‘Celestial Drops,' water whose molecular structure was "changed" after being blessed according to Kabbalic mysticism, imbuing it with supernatural healing powers.
It was for use on Orange crops.

Ahhhhh delightful G.O.P. morons.

"I'm thinking as hard as I can but nothing's happening."

Lisa Whelchel: Get Help.

Everyone's favorite 80s WASP has gone and lost it... take a look at the most recent journal entry about how she and her mother almost killed a dog, on her official-but-wait-this-can't-be-for-real website. Via Perez.

No time for accountability, because it's all booked up with spin.

After a heated exchange with the White House press over accountability in the Bush administration where McClellan argued that "now is not the time to point fingers," he somehow found the time to clarify Barbara Bush's inexcusable and insensitive comments from the other day.

Barbara Bush's remark clarified

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said: "I think she was making a personal observation on some of the comments that people were making that she was running into. ... But what we're focused on is helping these people who are in need."

Asked if Bush agreed with his mother, McClellan said: "I think that the observation is based on someone or some people that were talking to her that were in need of a lot of assistance, people that have gone through a lot of trauma and been through a very difficult and trying time. And all of a sudden, they are now getting great help in the state of Texas from some of the shelters."

BULL. SHIT. What she quite clearly said was, "Hey, this is a step up for the everyday no-hope poverty and squallor these people live in. Hurricane Katrina did them a FAVOR."

Scotty, OF COURSE she was making a "personal observation." She just happened to make it in front of the press while touring a shelter for thousands of displaced people who just got collectively kicked in the nads by Mother Nature and their government. Keep your personal observations to the fucking country club dining room, if you must voice them at all, Babs.

Trapped In My Nightmare

How did I miss this when I was Japan? Evidently, our Japanese friends have created this 6-foot-tall homage to the R-Uh. Truly frightening.

New addition to the House 8 Page Six club

Can't we all just hear Winnie saying that, in her naughtyfunny Winnie voice - "I'm going to New York for the same reason you are!"

GO WIN!

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/50124.htm

WINNIE Dunbar, a CNN business news producer based in New York, missed the hurricane that never arrived in Memphis — but she ended up in the right seat on her Northeast flight back. Dunbar, who was returning to cover the sentencing of WorldCom fraudster Bernie Ebbers, found herself sitting next to him and his wife in coach. "I'm going to New York for the same reason you are," Dunbar told the former billionaire, who was tight-lipped except to say he found his trial "completely bizarre." Ebbers kept an unlit cigar clenched in his teeth the whole flight, even while asleep, except when he was eating candy and potato chips. After his petite spouse collected their luggage, they waited on the taxi line, chauffeur-driven limousines a distant memory. Ebbers got 25 years yesterday.

Bush reaches out to Trans-Gender Patriots

Attempting to drum up support for ANYTHING, President Bush trots out a gigantic Tommy Hilfiger poofy flag dress yesterday, July 4th. In an effort to mobilize his trans-gender and homosexual base, and also demonstrating that being a girly-man isn't actually a bad thing, Bush implored those opposed to same-sex marriage to "tone down the heated rhetoric."

"I have a lot of gay friends," Bush stated, "Karl Rove, Scott McLellan, that Cheney kid... and when a friend gets attacked, I don't like it." Bush followed his speech with a parodic rendition of the old showtune classic, twisted for laughs to "Laura, Get Yer Gun."

Mr. Blackwell panned Bush's feeble attempt at propping his flagging poll numbers ""Out of the blue, pops our president, and I’m seeing red - AND stars! It's like being hit with WMD... a wickedly monstrous dress!

"It's just dreary, drab and dour... wake up George, you’re getting worse by the hour!"

(this picture comes to our attention from that traitor, Scott B.)

Douchebag is alive...

You disappear a few days before your wedding. Initially your family is hopeful, but they begin to fear the worst as you miss your own wedding. The media mobilizes to make your story known. Police mobilize to locate you. You turn up 1400 miles away in New Mexico a few days later... turns out you were kidnapped... well not really, you're just misusing the media again out of self-preservation so you don't have to admit what an unconscionable psychopath you are.

You have terrified your family, allowed your phony story to hog the media, taken attention away from actual missing persons cases, blown your exorbitant wedding budget, lied and emotionally blackmailed the person you were about to pledge yourself to.

The Family's Reaction: Thank God you're alive.
Second Opinion: At this point you could probably find a thousand people who would volunteer to kindnap/shoot you. For oblivious, world-class douchebags of this sort, I propose the "2005 JPEG D-bag Hoax Act" which tabulates all of your lapses of conscience into one big "three strikes and you're out" offense.
Sorry princess, you're going to jail for ten years.

Thank God stories this don't damage the sanctity of marriage.

CNN.com - Your Humor Destination

Setting aside the incredible Fark Photoshopability of this, I almost whipped out the credit card right then and there to see what Michael Schiavo's girlfriend's BROTHER had to say to the world.

Seriously, CNN: WHO THE FUCK CARES.

When Chimps Attack!

A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic when two other chimps at an animal sanctuary escaped from their cage and attacked.

Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, authorities said.

An open letter to Scott McClellan

Dear Mr. McClellan,

I am writing you in regard to the now-vacant position of White House press corps plant.

It is my understanding that your previous press corps plant, James D. Guckert - to whom you issued White House press credentials under the name Jeff Gannon - is no longer with the administration.

I realize, of course, that because of the flap over the administration's policy of having conservative columnists on the payroll, it may not be politically feasible to fill Mr. Guckert's position right away. However, when you do begin hiring again, I hope you will consider me.

If my name seems at all familiar, it is probably because I have written to you in the past hoping to secure a contract writing pro-administration columns. As a point of reference, I am the one who offered to push your agenda at the rate of $500 per column, or three for $1,399, which I still believe represents an excellent value in today's marketplace.

In regard to the position of press-corps plant, I do not pretend to have the strong conservative affiliation that Mr. Guckert enjoyed with TalonNews.com. Although my newspaper has editorially endorsed President Bush for re-election, it is otherwise a mainstream media operation, and not linked to the Texas Republican Party.

Despite this obvious hole in my resume, I still believe I would be an excellent replacement for Mr. Guckert, who I feel is one of the great press corps plants of all time. Certainly the question he asked at President Bush's press conference about the president's pledge to reach out to Democrats - "How are you going to work with people who seem to have divorced themselves from reality?" - was nothing short of brilliant.

To give you an idea of my own abilities, I have put together a few sample press conference questions for your consideration:

Mr. President, at this point in your tenure you have not made a single wrong decision. Do you find it difficult to work with this kind of incredible record, or is perfection something you get used to over time?

Mr. President, now that Iraq has held free elections, your policy has been proven to be correct and democracy is on the march in the Middle East, how do you respond to those who are calling you the greatest American since FDR?

Mr. President, Social Security is in such a serious crisis that if your plan to change it is not adopted immediately, senior citizens are going to be dropping like flies by next winter. Is this why you deplore the scare tactics being used by those who oppose your plan?

Finally, Mr. McClellan, because I know you don't like your press-corps plants to go by their real names, I have been working on coming up with a suitable alias, and have decided on the following - Kent Clark. What do you think?

Again, thank you for your time, sir, and I will be waiting to hear from you.

P.S. The three columns for $1,399 offer is still good while supplies last.

(mad props 2 the author of this: Jim Shea - www.courant.com

scott b. pointed it out - made my day with this one)

Man Sells Forehead

SnoreStop

Leg Nipple!

A skin graft gone wack. The owner of this particular leg nipple claims it's just like a real one and responds to "rubbing".

Grand Theft Auto imitates Life imitates GTA

Some dude survived a 5 story drop from a parking garage.

LaSalle Bank Building fire

Graf's old building is on fire! A fire started on the 29th floor at around 6:30pm. It's now 9:45pm, and they're saying it has spread to the 30th. Approximately a third of the entire CFD was sent to the scene.

Some dude Graf hired is on TV right now!

Firefighters are really cool.

Just to let everyone know, my mother was murdered

Just to let everyone know, she's 16 and they (her and her two 24 year old boyfriends} have been charged with Mom's murder, conspiracy and a bunch of other stuff.

She had a blog which , last time I looked, had about 5,000 responses posted just to this one post about mom

Here's the police report.

via glassdog

Q sez, if I did this I'd be grounded for a month...

hey, that's MY responsibility

I guess people are a little revved up about the elections...

My impression of Kathryn Harris from my encounter last week is that she's a nice lady... despite the fact that she SHOULD HAVE RECUSED HERSELF FROM THE FLORIDA RECOUNTS. I guess someone doesn't feel the same way.

Break through

Wal-Mart's thoughtful memorial.

Cunning Stunt

Ouch. That's gonna hurt.

George Bush - the GAME

Stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW. Just go.

special shout out to mc mc and dave bettridge for this one...

Doggy Poo

� � Once upon a time, a little doggy poo lived on the side of a road. He felt all alone in the world. He believed that nobody needed him for anything, and that he had no purpose in life. If only Doggy Poo had a reason for being, then he wouldn't give up on his dream to be useful to the world.

� � One day, Doggy Poo meets a lovely dandelion sprout. Will she explain his purpose in life? Will she help make his dream come true?

I've got GAS!

I was just informed by CNN that I am will be covering the Republican National Convention....along with my press credentials...I also have to pick up one of these.

I Crap in Your General Direction!

A Portland woman has been banned from a Maine park after being charged with spreading dog feces there as part of a vendetta against the park's weekly farmer's market. 53 year old lunatic Lora Leland was caught in the middle of the night emptying 16 bags of dog feces in the road that winds through the center of the park. She was angry at the Saturday morning farmer's market because it interfered with her ability to ride her bicycle through the park.

She collected the small bags of dog feces from trash cans around the park over the course of the preceding week.

If I ever get this crazy, please smack me very hard.

Hey, Texans! Quit living my dreams!

Possibly the only cool thing about Texas besides the occasional chainsaw massacre.

Been nice knowing all of you . . . I'm moving in with these nutty rednecks.

link

Best Defense Secretary Ever!

Amidst the fallout over the Abu Ghraib prison scandal and cries for Rumsfeld's ouster, Bush and Cheney voiced their ongoing support for Secretary Rumsfeld.

Vice President Dick Cheney called Rumsfeld "the best defense secretary ever!"

Bush added, �You are doing a superb job... courageously leading our nation in our war against terror. � You are a strong secretary of defense, and our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.�