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More Creationism/Flintstone "clarity"

Fossil of 3,000 pound bird found in Mongolia . . . possible source of Stone Age breakfast?

WTF

Original Caption: "Nathan Morris, a Liberty University senior, reacts during a prayer for the Rev. Jerry Falwell."

Revised Caption: "Nathan Morris, wearing a shirt from a company that uses overt homo-eroticism to market clothes to closet-case "straight" boys, weeps in abject confusion over why he's an anti-gay christian."

There is a God.*

The Senate has been called for the Dems. The GOP may not contest it.
It's over.

I can hardly believe this horrible regime is out, and that we've come to the end of our long, national nightmare. Here's a great post-game analysis on America coming to it's senses.

Let the subpoenas begin.

(* I kid)

Duuurrr...

Sponsor of bill to display the Ten Commandments in the House and Senate buildings can't name them. Colbert at his finest.

Stupid Sexy Flanders

A 67-year-old Quaker grandfather is preparing to open America’s first Christian nudist camp 40 miles north of Tampa, Florida. 200 acres are now being cleared for it's debut next year. It's the kind of palce your whole family can enjoy the body of Christ (*retch*).

2nd opinion: Ooooh that's distasteful.

Touchdown Jebus (#2)

Congregants at a church that erected a six-story tall Jebus say the creepy statue keeps watch over a section of freeway that used to be very dangerous. Twelve people died along the stretch of I-75 before the durned thing was erected. Since it went up two years ago, there have been no deaths.

In my favorite burst of publicized Aw-Shucks regionalism, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel commented, "Can't too much go wrong next to a big statue of Jesus!" (seriously, its in the article.)

Yee-haw! Praise the lord and pass the football.

Not to be confused with Touchdown Jebus 1

Would Jesus flip the bird?

George Bush flippin off the press:

Personally I believe that many in the press probably deserved it (but not for the reasons that G.W. probably did it).

But seriously, would Jesus flip the bird?

G.W. has got to be saying the answer is yes, Jesus would flip the bird. Where does it say that in the bible?

See the whole thing here: http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove/movies/bushflips.mov

Virgin Mary Tour '05 hits Chicago

That's right, the Virgin Mary arrived in town earlier this week for an appearance, and is currently playing to a standing room only crowds.

Get there early for the best seats. B.Y.O. candles and rosary beads.

Via Yahoo News

We are idiots!

This is too funny not to share.

Fun at the expense of nutbag Christians

Suffer the Children...

The demonization of gay parents in this country is out of all proportion to who regularly endangers and harms children; Christian fanatics.
* Last week in Plano Texas, A mom and dad showed up at their church telling the priest that God wanted them to sacrifice some of their children. They're getting closer to God in jail this week.
* Two days ago a woman down here cut off her baby's arms. The baby died, but mom has a great excuse: She quoted Bible scripture and told her hubby she wanted to "give her children to God."
Ever heard of a gay parent slicing their kid up because the big gay leader telepathically ordered them to? Can you imagine the rain of political horseshit that would follow just one gay parent hurting or killing their child like this?

No public outrage or reactionary legislation for Christians though.

The United States has changed its name...

Jesusland!

thanks to Ken W for IMing that to me

This Just In: Jimmy Swaggart still an Asshole

This is everywhere, but in a Sept. 12th sermon, Swaggart said:

I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry.

And I'm going to be blunt and plain: If one ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell God he died.

What I'd really like to know, however, is how is this an "apology?"

Swaggart said yesterday he jokingly has used the expression "killing someone and telling God he died" thousands of times, about all sorts of people. He said the expression is figurative and not meant to harm.

Oh, you're such a kidder, Jimmy! So God doesn't really want me to kill homosexuals?

This isn't an apology. It's further definition of why you're a complete fucking idiot.

Glory and victory to all with fresh breath. Let us be thankful.

Gay Weddings in MA

The first gay marriages in the U.S. occured today, and were greeted with applause, etc. A smaller number of conservative well-wishers, led by the 'reverend' Fred Phelps, delivered his usual message. His web site which supports the death sentence for sodomy castigates "the filthy line of fags & dykes applying for marriage licenses from Hell." (his words).

Couldn't he have just sent a toaster?

The Way of the Master

Creepy Christian Kirk Cameron and a super-slick Flash site let you know exactly at what velocity your sorry ass will be plummeting into the depths of hell.

I wonder how Boner's doin'?

AA pilot freaks the Bejezus Boots out of passengers

An American Airline pilot asked "all the Christians to please raise their hands," causing everyone to instead reach for the first available phone and call in a Crazy Person Report.

UPI: dead pope will not be hammered

As recently as 40 years ago, the Camerlengo [determined the pope was dead] by tapping the pope's head three times with a small hammer and shouting his family name close to his ear, but that colorful ritual is not mentioned in the 1996 revisions made by Pope John Paul II to streamline the process...

via the morning news

Ef ets nae Scottish ets crrrraaaaappp!

Gospel originated in the Hebrides. Word is bond.

In unrelated Scots news, check out Sexy Kilt Boat Guy. WTF? Gotta get me a boat...

via one.point.zero

and on the eighth day, God created HILLBILLIES!

Who do these Southerners think they are? If this judge lived in Afghanistan, we'd be hunting him down as a Mullah of the Taliban.

God-given Talent

Christ, is this guy entertaining? No, really. I'm asking, Jesus. Is he entertaining in any way? Is this how you want your Word spread: some guy drinking a glass of water while a puppet spouts scripture? I bet the kids run away screaming and have nightmares for years.

I like the fact that he has an autograph for his puppet, too. That's deliciously creepy!

via The Lord God, his agent

Do the "Funky Christian"

Although Wheaton College has allowed square dancing for years they have just lifted an old rule against regular dancing on campus which has been in place since 1860. Does anyone else see Satan's hand in this?

I think this means that they can now do the minuet...
"...as long as students use caution and good judgment and avoid any behavior "which may be immodest, sinfully erotic, or harmfully violent."
It's only sinfully erotic if you do it right, and there's not a chance of that.

The can drink now too. Some faculty members went to a Mexican restaurant Monday night and celebrated. The night ended in sinful, drunken fornication.

"Handshake Man" hands Bush letter "from God."

As if orange terror alerts weren't enough to worry about, now we've got really happy ministers waltzing through presidential security.

via tmn

Jesus a stickler for parking violations

I think we all remember praying to Jesus in a tortilla (1998) and Jesus in a Potato Chip (1995) but now Jebuz has appeared on a No Parking sign. It's clear to me that those other appearances were some Jesus wannabe (and I regret sacrificing all those non-Christians) but this is the real deal. I'm off to Colorado to vernerate a parking sign, and see if Jesus will reveal his plan for world parking to me.

Halloween Witnessing Tips For True Christians

From your friends at Landover Baptist.

Will Jesus Sling Little Children Into Hell For Celebrating Halloween?

Quite frankly, the answer is, absolutely yes!

via K-Ho

Helpful Christian Advice Column

"Last column, I was urging Jessica to stop liking the non-Christian guy she was attracted to. So, how do you stop liking this guy? Remember, you are choosing to like him. That means you can choose NOT to like him. The more you fall in love with Christ, the less you will want things that are wrong.

I would hate for you to make the mistake that so many of my friends have made. They meet a nice non-Christian guy, he tells them he respects their faith, then they end up pregnant or with a sexually transmitted disease."

I don't know why Christians are so despised. It's not like they're desperate, hate-filled idiots.

Brainwashing begins at home

Ugh!

When will the damn religious freaks in this kkkountry realize they are out of control?

This from the Pledge Girl's mom:

"I see my role as just correcting the record and making sure that the American people know that my daughter is being raised in a Christian home," Banning said...

I hope Sarah Jane Hurricane never comes up with malarky like this:

"Her response was, 'That's OK, Mom, because even if they do change the Pledge of Allegiance, I'll still say "under God," and no one will know that I'm breaking the law,'" Banning said.

Scarey!

Jebus Clown

Scroll down, foo'.

via Mr. Pants

PRESIDENT PUTS U.S. CATHOLICS ON NOTICE:

"EITHER YOU ARE WITH US, OR YOU ARE WITH THE CHILD MOLESTERS"

From this day forward, any church that continues to harbor or support priests will be regarded by the United States as hostile Christianity. And I strongly suggest you be against the molesters, for the sake of the children.

JESUS the Monster Truck

We love you Jebus!

To remind children that Jesus is with them always. A contemporary statue for today's youth. Jesus is with us in everything we do, watching over us & involved in all of our acts & activities.

This was featured on Conan last night, but I know I've seen it before. Notice that #21 in the statue is about to clothes-line Jebus in the waist.

The Unseggregated Last Supper

If it didn't cost so much each of you would receive this fine ceramic ensemble of the Last Supper with black apostles and a black Jesus for your birthday.

New Mexico church plans Harry Potter book burning

A New Mexico church plans to burn Harry Potter books because they are "an abomination to God," the church pastor said on Wednesday.

"Harry Potter books are going to destroy the lives of many young people."

via marty

God Really Hates Bad Poetry

A young couple who fell in love as they worked together as youth ministers were killed Wednesday night when their car was broadsided as it left the parking lot of the Christian Life Center. They had told his parents they wanted to talk about something important on Saturday.
"We found in his art book what they were going to talk to us about," Amos' mother, Linda Amos, said yesterday. "It was a poem."
The note, handwritten on daisy-embellished stationery, read:

I love my mom.
I love my dad.
You must know something that makes me glad.
Though I think you already know
Patricia and I love each other so.
I'm going to keep her.

(retching noises)

The Jesus Test

Could have been better executed, but just blasphemous enough to be funny... heathens like John will love it!

via Liz H

Fluids For Christ

Fluids for Christ has discovered the importance of using Christian seeds and receptacles during Assisted Miracle procedures. (Secular science has yet to publish its findings.) Banked seeds and receptacles are not currently labeled as Christian or UnChristian, nor does the medical community seem concerned about this problem. It can be assumed, though, that cultural differences and taboos make UnChristian seeds and receptacles more widely available than Christian ones. THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY MUST START ITS OWN SEED AND RECEPTACLE BANKS!

I think this is probably the first website that I've felt the need to sloooowly back away from...

via Quentin, that sick bastard.