My policy is to return items to the people who've lost them, no matter how appealing the find. For this service, I think one person in 15 years has given me five dollars. (!) When people return my things I always give them some reward, based on how costly and annoying it would have been to replace the item.
Last night I found an iPhone and was looking for any clue as to who owned it when I got this delightful msg.
Umm. you're welcome biz-natch.
True to form when the combative, foul-mouthed owner claimed her phone today she gave me a five dollar gift-card to Starbucks (I don't drink coffee), and a paperback on surviving an Alien Abduction. Hey thanks!
I saved her $500 and she offers a one percent reward! Thanks a lot Denise Johnson of Houston, you cheap *****. I'm done returning items. People don't deserve their stuff back.
Alleged comedian Jerry Lewis (shown placing something other than his foot in his mouth) dropped a gay slur on-air during his Labor Day telethon, pissing off a whole new group of people. Bravo.
A Homeland Security report exposes some rather skewed "potential target" data, and the great state of Indiana is at the top of the list of potential terrorist targets by state.
The National Asset Database, as it is known, is so flawed, the inspector general found, that as of January, Indiana, with 8,591 potential terrorist targets, had 50 percent more listed sites than New York (5,687) and more than twice as many as California (3,212), ranking the state the most target-rich place in the nation.
Now, Graf and I have always joked that we'd love it if "they just got rid of Indiana" during the drive from Chicago to Cleveland, but I never realized there was government funding studying the potential... Maybe it's all those fireworks stores? Casinos? KKK members? All those damned Amish?
Some other high-level targets inlcude:
A petting zoo in Woodville, Ala.
Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn.
“Nix’s Check Cashing”
(Ed. That's where MCA does all his "phony-paper-passin'")
Penn Jillette's (of Penn & Teller) radio show is on Free FM (here in Chicago, that's 105.9, 1-2pm), but I typically catch it via the podcast, which is now the full show but without the commercials.
Yesterday's show title had me crackin' up: It's Very Hard To Remember That Clowns And Mimes Are Human Beings
I basically went to high school with this guy. (No, not this specific guy, but certainly about a half dozen who could've easily made this video.)
I don't even know where to begin, so just watch. A pox on your house, Ryan, for I now am going to have the image of this guy in a Yankees uniform burned into my brain.
Ask not what your boobs can do for you... ask what your boobs can do for your country.
There's your run-of-the-mill insane republican and then there's barking-mad, Joker-faced loony Katherine Harris who occupies a crack-fueled, eyeliner-sniffing world of delirium all by herself. (actually, Ann Coulter's probably in there too)
Check out this bizarre interview (click "video") where she makes a persuasive case for what her tremendous rack can do for Florida.
The disastrous federal response to Katrina exposes a record of incompetence, misjudgment and ideological blinders that should lead to serious doubts that the Bush administration should be allowed to continue in office.
They rode into office in a highly contested election, spouting a message of bipartisanship but determined to undermine the federal government in every way but defense (and, after 9/11, one presumed, homeland security). One with Grover Norquist, they were determined to shrink Washington until it was "small enough to drown in a bathtub." Katrina has stripped the veil from this mean-spirited strategy, exposing the greed, mindlessness and sheer profiteering behind it.
It is time to hold them accountable - this ugly, troglodyte crowd of Capital Beltway insiders, rich lawyers, ideologues, incompetents and their strap-hangers should be tarred, feathered and ridden gracefully and mindfully out of Washington and returned to their caves, clubs in hand.
We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)
I am utterly disgusted and embarrassed that this waste of flesh is the President of our country. I feel sorry for Trent Lott getting dragged into such an insane statement.
Everyone's favorite CIA-agent-revealing douchebag pundit Robert Novak loses his shit at some political ribbing by James Carville and storms off the CNN set.
This gentle giant weighs in at over 200 pounds and has biceps that are bigger than most men's thighs. He juggles bowling balls as well as hatchets, meat cleavers, fire and chain saws - as long as they're not turned on! He rips telephone books in half and balances extension ladders and children sitting in chairs on his face. He lies on a bed of nails buried under a stack of cement blocks and walks on broken glass and machetes in his bare feet.
It is being reported that Karl Rove was the source that revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame. This story is just beginning to break, we'll see how much momentum it actually has. Given the shit this administration has gotten away with, however, I wouldn't be surprised if Rove managed to spin this into some sort of Congressional medal for himself.
The Huffington Post has more on Rovegate. (Do I get points for being the first to call it that?)
ESPN has the classic footage of Rusty Wallace taking out Tony Danza in a promotional go-kart race, causing him to flip over a tire barrier and nearly split his melon again.
"I thought, my last year of racing, I killed Tony Danza." -- Rusty Wallace
I'm normally not one to put my friends on blast (especially if it's gonna screw up a good thing!), but I think all concerned should know that Karen and Roberta succumbed to the charms of a fashion forward stud when they were in LA. It was the shirt that did it...
Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest said Wednesday that he asked coach Rick Carlisle for time off because of a busy schedule that included promoting a soon-to-be released rap album, which led to his two-game benching.
Put down the steamroller long enough to set your TiVos to The Daily Show tonight, when none other than Douchebag Extraordinaire Bill O'Reilly will be the guest.
What are the basic dynamics of payload lift off, propulsion, and target trajectory that come into play in ... pie throwing?
Funny you should ask.
On the surface, pie throwing may not appear to be rocket science. But it does take a certain amount of practice and dare I say it... artistry, if you want to do it correctly!
That's where I come in. I'm Joey D'Auria, actor, comedian, and five-time Emmy award- winning host of WGN-TV's Super Sunday Show. In my new book My Favorite Comedy Sketches, not only do I present a hilarious collection of sure fire, clown comedy routines, I've also put together the basic fundamentals of how to throw a pie safely (without breaking your comedy partner's nose). Plus a brief history of pie throwing and ... the highly coveted WGN-TV cream pie recipe. It's 100% inedible! Along with costume and make-up tips - comedy notes - prop and gimmick ideas and much, much more!
"Spanky, a clown with the renowned Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus, has been arrested on charges stemming from a child pornography investigation, law enforcement officials said Tuesday."
via cnn
Buffo is not an ordinary clown. This gentle giant weighs in at over 200 pounds and has biceps that are bigger than most men's thighs. He juggles bowling balls as well as hatchets, meat cleavers, fire and chain saws - as long as they're not turned on! He rips telephone books in half and balances extension ladders and children sitting in chairs on his face.
Latest entry to the Shit List: The Transportation Security Act fuckos who broke our luggage on our way to Mexico last month.
Why do you bother even having a lost/damaged report to fill out if your Bureaucrat Drone Bosses have absolved everyone of any liability?
Their Auto-Generated Response Fuck Off Email at least states that the TSA certainly "apologize[s] for any difficulties you may have experienced." You bet! I pay your fucking salary asshole, and now you owe me a suitcase.
For some reason, this is news. Personally, I think it's a shameless ploy for the Tribune to publish this photo. I mean, WTF is going on there? Is that a serving platter?
9% of Texas went to the polls Saturday and 51% of them voted to cap medical liability. (!?) Now if your doctor removes the wrong breast, or accidently kills dad with the wrong syringe, it will never be worth more than $500,000. No word on whether the doctor is allowed to continue practicing...
We're not real concerned about that.
That's how we stop rising medical costs in TX, not at the front end with a referendum to prevent incompetent doctors from practicing, but after the fact with those greedy tit-less E.R. gimps!
Cause it's just plain wrong to punish people who golf or have expectations of wealth.
I received this via email, an exhaustive yet I'm sure incomplete list of major French companies / financial concerns for good honest 'Umericuns to avoid.
Whatever your feelings for the French, I find it fascinating the lengths people will go to when they get a burr up their ass. No more tooling around in them Frog-owned Zodiac boats for me. That'll show 'em to mess with the US of A!
I much prefer Chris' solution: Boycott mimes! A good policy no matter what the geo-political ramifications.
"Harvey -- a 200-pound white dog with a foot-long red tongue -- began mocking MacTavish during a timeout.
Harvey leaned over the glass behind the bench which prompted MacTavish to grab the tongue, rip it out and throw it into the crowd.
Undeterred, Harvey kept leaning over the glass. MacTavish reached for a hockey stick but was calmed by Oilers trainer Ken Lowe. Several Oilers players squirted Harvey with water bottles before security moved the mascot away."
Just in case there's anyone left in the solar system who doesn't associate Abe Lincoln with Illinois, he's thoughtfully included on the winning quarter design for Illinois...
Graphic Designers should clench their buttocks before clicking the link to all 5 design finalists for the coin. They feature the ugliest font ever created & appear to have been designed by a committee of eighth graders shortly before the 3:00 bell rang.
Can't wait to see this...not sure why this isn't a straight to DVD release...but it apparently will contain everything that couldn't be shown on tv. So, it's GOT to be good.
i really cannot say anything about this. just click on the damn thing and prepare to laugh. well... as long as you don't find midgets offensive, scary or sexually arousing. did i say that out loud?
The Scare The Crap Out Of A Kid award was given to Stanky Pete for telling children coming onto the Merry-Go-Round that his thumbs were bitten off by "haunted" horses on the ride.
There's your run-of-the-mill insane republican and then there's barking-mad, Joker-faced loony Katherine Harris who occupies a crack-fueled, eyeliner-sniffing world of delirium all by herself. (actually, Ann Coulter's probably in there too) 
