T is for Texas, D is for Death

Crime that doesn't happen in Paris

The latest from my local paper's Police Log:
"A woman removed 24 bars of soap from Walgreen's, 916 Madison St, wihout paying at 5:45 pm Sept. 3."

[Wait for it!] She got away clean. [ba-doom!]

Camus in grave: "Mon dieu! C'est absurd!"

Dubya Pardons Uncle Jesse

Bush continued to handle the truly important matters of the country last week, with the Presidential pardon of a moonshinin' extra from the movie Deliverance.

I could not make this up if I tried.

[Randall Leece] Deal's "Deliverance" performance consisted of a single line: "It ain't nothing but the biggest [expletive] river in the state!" For the record, Deal did not play one of the surly locals involved in an infamous rape scene with actor Ned Beatty.

Do you think if he had been involved in the rape scene, he'd get some sort of medal from this administration?

Go wave your blood soaked flag.

First picture of Pvt. Steven Green,
"Charlottes Finest!" who's
raping,
killing,
witness & family murdering,
body-defiling
and arsoning
in your name
for God and flag.

His parents must be very proud.

I wish I could feel something more than deep pity for the Iraqis. If I could hate them needlessly like a good citizen, I'd be fine with this.

HuffPo: Costco cheaper than Medicare Part D

From the comments:
A lot of the stuff done by the Republican party in the last five years is arguably bad. But there are few areas where the evidence that the Republican party has become a criminal organization is as straightforward as with the medicare drug plan.

For those of us who have been Republican voters all our lives the time has come to face up to the facts. And the facts are that many of the people we voted for have turned out to be criminals.

Eats. Shits. Leaves.

From the latest police blotter in Oak Leaves, the local paper out in Oak Park:

The basement door of a home on the 600 block of South Elmwood Avenue was forced open between 1:30 pm and 4:30 pm April 1. Ice cream, soup, Gatorade and soda were consumed. The person who entered the home used the bathroom in the home and drove a 1998 Toyota Camry, parked in the garage, into the overhead garage door causing $1,400 in damage.

Saddam's Evil: Now acceptable from U.S.

Remember how Saddam was bad because he used chemical weapons on his own people? Well now it's a case of the pot calling the kettle black. The good ole U.S. of A., under the leadership of pro-torture Cheney and no ethical-boundary-left-standing Rumsfeld, killed people in Fallujah with white phosphorous which is an extremely cruel, banned chemical weapon.
Confirmation via article

W.P. like napalm sticks to your skin and burns you from the skin to the bone, and when you breathe it in, it burns you from the inside out. There is no way to stop the process. You just burn alive.
which means these photos of the disfigured victims will disturb you.
Confirmation via photos

This chemical is also used in in a military technique called a shake and bake; You frighten people out of their hiding place with a bomb then cook them alive with a round of white phosphorous.

Another news item that our "liberal media" isn't bringing you.
Add this to the Bush scandal log.

Indictment Pool

This morning, Bush stammered and mispronounced his way through a bizarre P.R. piece with the American troops, with a generous helping of his usual coke-head jaw-grinding. At one point he says "If I'm still around..." you'll always have my support. Georgie knows what's coming. I haven't seen a politician so skittish since the final days of the Nixon whitehouse.

Three lesser & two major figures are expected to be indicted. Mix and match your way to a full indictment roster with the list below. But keep in mind charges may not only be treason, but conspiracy and/or perjury.

After Katrina fiasco, time for Bush to go

The disastrous federal response to Katrina exposes a record of incompetence, misjudgment and ideological blinders that should lead to serious doubts that the Bush administration should be allowed to continue in office.

They rode into office in a highly contested election, spouting a message of bipartisanship but determined to undermine the federal government in every way but defense (and, after 9/11, one presumed, homeland security). One with Grover Norquist, they were determined to shrink Washington until it was "small enough to drown in a bathtub." Katrina has stripped the veil from this mean-spirited strategy, exposing the greed, mindlessness and sheer profiteering behind it.

It is time to hold them accountable - this ugly, troglodyte crowd of Capital Beltway insiders, rich lawyers, ideologues, incompetents and their strap-hangers should be tarred, feathered and ridden gracefully and mindfully out of Washington and returned to their caves, clubs in hand.

can't get in? try this

via scott b.

Winster in WorldCom/Bernie Ebbers Mile High Club Shocker!

From page six:

July 14, 2005 -- WINNIE Dunbar, a CNN business news producer based in New York, missed the hurricane that never arrived in Memphis — but she ended up in the right seat on her Northeast flight back. Dunbar, who was returning to cover the sentencing of WorldCom fraudster Bernie Ebbers, found herself sitting next to him and his wife in coach. "I'm going to New York for the same reason you are," Dunbar told the former billionaire, who was tight-lipped except to say he found his trial "completely bizarre." Ebbers kept an unlit cigar clenched in his teeth the whole flight, even while asleep, except when he was eating candy and potato chips. After his petite spouse collected their luggage, they waited on the taxi line, chauffeur-driven limousines a distant memory. Ebbers got 25 years yesterday.

See also: Ebbers speaks out ahead of sentencing

Karl Rove: Traitor

It is being reported that Karl Rove was the source that revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame. This story is just beginning to break, we'll see how much momentum it actually has. Given the shit this administration has gotten away with, however, I wouldn't be surprised if Rove managed to spin this into some sort of Congressional medal for himself.

The Huffington Post has more on Rovegate. (Do I get points for being the first to call it that?)

I say we send him to Gitmo.

When Chimps Attack II

Fred Durst shows you his 'O' face (WARNING: Spyware-laden link. Proceed at your own risk. Thanks, Nora).

WARNING: NSFW. Actually, not safe for anyone with the gift of sight.

More
everywhere
else.

Please pardon our service interuptions

Sorry about the service inturuption.

Here's an online article about the issue:

http://www.nbc5.com/news/4041464/detail.html

Here are some pictures I snapped standing in front of my house during and after the fire:

View image (during the fire)

View image (during the fire)

View image (during the fire)

View image (during the fire)

View image (after the fire, the collapsed house is already gone)

View image (after the fire, house across the alley)

Cutest Criminal EVER!

Man sentenced for breaking into homes to cuddle with women.

The serial snuggler will have to keep his hands to himself. The man who sneaked into women's apartments just to cuddle with them has been sentenced to five years' probation.

Before pleading guilty earlier this year to 12 counts of unauthorized entry, Steve Danos, 26, led a commendable life, a judge said Wednesday before sentencing him.

None of the victims was hurt. Instead, the intruder roused the residents to ask about a party, helped himself to beer and pizza, folded clothes, made nachos and crawled into one woman's bed to rub her stomach.

more

Bush: Pick Your Favorite Lie

The littany of Bush admin lies & subterfuge continues today with the disclosure that the shitheads military payroll records have been accidently destroyed by the Pentagon.

oh my...
how did that happen?

The constitution was also shredded into pulp and is now in use as toilet paper throughout the white house.

What a Country

"It may soon be possible to carry around an AK-47 assault rifle and an iPod with you down the street - and be arrested for carrying the iPod."

...

In his floor speech introducing the measure, [Utah Senator Orrin] Hatch said that once people are given PCs, they are bound to infringe. (Many would agree with him there). So he frames his bill as a protection. Hatch said people weren't aware that they were breaking the law by running P2P software, (citing work by Harvard's Berkman Center, which says the Senator quoted them out of context) and therefore running "piracy machines" that had been designed to mislead their users. Therefore, his argument goes, the users are in need of protection from 'inducement'.

Guh. So, according to that logic, why don't we just start charging gun owners with murder right now? 'Cause you know eventually someone's gonna be induced to pop a cap in someone.

"But officer, I didn't mean to run that red light, my car induced me with all that horsepower!"

Would someone introduce a bill to protect me from uptight, ancient, out-of-touch Senators who will flip flop on an issue over a steak dinner and a lobbyist blowjob? Loosen the collar, Orrin, I think your brain is in need of oxygen.

article

Disgusting

I missed the 60 Minutes II piece on prisoner mistreatment in Iraq, but the accompanying article is pretty disturbing.

One of the soldiers facing court martial, Army Reserve Staff Sgt. Chip Frederick, is a reservist who is a prison guard from Virginia. Frederick is pleading not guilty, despite photos like these (Warning: Possibly NSFW, and definitely disturbing) yet claims no personal responsiblity in these events due to a lack of "rules and regulations" on how exactly to run a prison from his commanding officers. WHA?!?!

"Well, they never said we couldn't make 'em strip and sit on top of 'em!"

America's finest...

Portland Fuzz Take Down Public Scourge, 71 Year Old Eunice Crowder

You really can't make this shit up. Take that, Granny! The cop that pepper sprayed her empty eye socket must feel like a real douchebag.

Moments later, she felt someone strike her in the head, which dislodged her prosthetic right eye from its socket, and was knocked to the ground, she claimed in her lawsuit.

"While she's still on the ground, on her stomach, they tased her in the back and in the breast," her lawyer said.

THE "BRIEF SAFE"

The "Brief Safe" is an innovative new diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro® closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).

iPod Used In Domestic Homicide

MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE (HLN) - A Memphis woman was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after she bludgeoned her boyfriend to death with an iPod.

- snip -

Police said no motive has been confirmed, although evidence suggested the murder was the result of a domestic dispute after Pulaski erased the contents of Mathers’ iPod.

According to law officers, Mathers was hysterical when police arrived and told them that she killed her boyfriend only after he accused her of illegally downloading music and erased about 2,000 of her MP3s. Mathers complained that it took 3 months to build her music collection.

An autopsy performed Friday afternoon at Methodist Hospital showed that Brad Pulaski had been beat multiple times in the face and chest by a blunt metal object, and died of internal bleeding, said Dr. Felix Klamut, deputy coroner.

According to Apple’s website, the iPod is partially made of a hard metal plate that’s been praised for it’s resistance to regular wear and tear, like drops and coffee spills.

“It took him a while to die,” Dr. Klamut said. “She must have stabbed him 40 to 80 times with that iPod. His death was not instantaneous, that’s for sure”

-------------

Q sez the best part of the whole story is the AD FOR AN iPOD MINI ON THE PAGE!

Parade of Freaks in Houston

I don't have time to log all the bizarre crimes that occur down here but my current favorite is this gal (right) who killed her abusive husband by tying him to the bed and stabbing him 200 times.

When asked why she didn't divorce him, she said, "it wasn't a Christian sort of thing to do, divorce."

Insert your own joke about erratic value systems here.

White knuckle scorin'!

I came across this fascinating site that has helpful advice in determining sentencing for convited felons.

You can play at home with the cool score cards and grids. Then download the PDF of an alphabetized list of crimes. It's like Vice City without the joystick.

Note: works best in Explorer.

Online Police Auctions

Get yer eBay on, COPS style. QTip notices there's lots of Hydroponic Growing items. Wonder if they come to your house, say 3 months after you buy one of them...

Nah, they wouldn't do that

Woman Gets 10 Years for Running Over McDonald's Manager: 'I Want Mayo on That!'

"I put the mayonnaise on her burger," Jenkins told jurors. "I took the onions and the mustard off. What did I do?"

Nolan was contrite during her testimony today and apologized for running over Jenkins on April 23. She said she had been going through "a bad time" in her life when she lost it in the drive-through line. 

Google Yourself

So I got one of those hysterical emails that was forwarded 100 times with a dire warning on it, and in the spirit of the internet I played along. Only this one is for real.

If you go to Google and type in your area code and phone number, chances are you'll show up. A quick mapquest search would give some nefarious character (who overheard your number) a map with a star on it indicating your house. Not good.

So, if this bothers you, go to this here page and see about getting yourself easily removed.

For those keeping track

Hold up a bank for a couple thousand dollars and you'll get ten to twelve.

Quietly bilk hundreds of thousands of people out of billions in savings, while wearing a tie, hiding behind a corporation and shouting "Long live the free-market!" and you might serve less than 5 years.

Predatory capitalism: The nations deepest value.

Enron's imaginative CFO was just sentenced and my hunch is he's not headed for a federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison.

Pizza Delivery Man forced to rob bank then killed via bomb

If you haven't already heard this story which occured a few days ago it will shock the hell out of you.

After a pizza delivery man went out to deliver a pizza, the customer attached a bomb to him, forcing him to hold up a bank. Afterwards he detonated the bomb and killed the poor guy.
Seriously disturbing.

(This story/link has already been revised to delete any reference to the delivery and blame the dead guy)

Update: Note found with body instructed victim how to defuse the bomb.

The full weight of the law

Newscaster Tamron Hall has a psychotic stalker who was just arrested when he showed up at her studio. They only had a description to go on, but the guy weighs 420-pounds, so it couldn't have caused too much tension.

I didn't realize you could still move at that weight. Couldn't she have just walked rapidly away from him? It's not like someone that big can surprise someone.

Citroen Hit By Fake Order For 5,700 cars

Something along the lines of the Nigerian email scam. To my mind, the best part is that it's Citroens, the French equivalent of the Edsel.

Plus, we just don't get enough use out of the cheese eating category

Scariest Mug Shot. Ever.

JUNE 25--Meet Dion Milam. The 30-year-old California inmate may be the scariest looking criminal TSG has ever seen. Milam, who wears "Aryan" and "Honor" tattoos above his eyebrows and a swastika tat on his neck, was charged yesterday in a methamphetamine case (his brother-in-law allegedly tried to mail the drug into the Stanislaus County Jail, where Milam is being held on a murder charge). The below mug shot was taken earlier this year following Milam's arrest in the murder case. Milam, who pulled a gun on sheriff's deputies, got roughed up a bit as he resisted arrest.

via The Smoking Gun

Crime. Punishment. And Mullets.

This Just In... I meant to post Dog's bio as an adjunct to this story but somehow messed up the post. Dog got his man, but he and Andrew Luster are cooling their heels in a Mexican jail..

Dog The Bounty Hunter is on the case.

Martha's Incarceration

Images from the "What will Martha Stewart's jail cell look like?" contest.

via boing boing

Our Father who art in (bump, crunch, crash...)

The 67 year old Roman Catholic bishop of Phoenix was arrested today when police investigating a deadly hit-and-run accident traced a license plate number to his car and found the windshield caved in.

Earlier this month, he escaped indictment for protecting child-molesting priests for a decade or two. Would it have made any difference if this schmoe had spent his life worshipping Satan?

Fired Workers Attack Boss With Spears

Fired workers from a local Volvo dealership in Indonesia attacked their Swedish boss with spears after negotiations over severance pay went awry, police said Friday.

In other Spears news... Britney gets blow-up boobs...

Donkers Boobs Busted By Butts

You can't make this shit up.

Out of work? Like to kill people?

In case you missed it, the CIA is trolling for fresh blood.
Yes, the US Central Intelligence Agency -- that fun-loving, drug-dealing, government-subverting dinosaur of a bureaucracy -- is running ads for new recruits.
The ad, in the employment section of the Wall Street Journal (September 7, 1999), features a photo of a smug-looking thirty-something woman with her chin in hand, and the preposterous headline -- "Do you have what it takes? Integrity.Intellect. Common Sense. Patriotism. Courage."
Sadly there was no mention of the applicant's ability to actively participate in, or at least look the other way, when confronted with state-sanctioned terrorism,like illegal drug smuggling or money laundering.
Sponsored by the CIA Directorate of Operations, Clandestine Service, the ad says you can't be older than 35 to enter the trainee program. In other words, the ad copy is aimed directly at people who may be unaware of the Agency's bloody and treacherous history.

Sweet new NVU office cam!

Cain't cha hear the wind howl? It's mah heart!

Remember kids!

Crime Stinks!

via fark

Not Smart

When Elizabeth Smart went missing in Utah, the National Enquirer published details of alleged salacious sexual antics involving her family, based on help from two local reporters, who split a $20,000 fee for the info.

On Sunday the reporters' paper, the Salt Lake City Tribune published a letter from the Editor which the Enquirer found libelous and now threatens a lawsuit over.

The reporters, whose resignations were rejected, have now been fired.

Anyone wonder why the media in this country is despised by so many?

Lion Tamer on Run with Lions and Son of Circus Boss

The woman, in her late 40s, is believed to have developed a close relationship with the 20-year-old man she was training to become a lion tamer, a police spokesman in the northern German town of Melle said.

The couple eloped with a truck containing the animals and is still on the run since disappearing on Monday night.

"If she can handle lions and tigers she shouldn't have trouble with a 20-year-old man," said Georg Dongowski, spokesman for the Melle police.

_{I'm almost sure there's a clown involved in this somewhere...}

Brown. Get it? OK, How about Coke II?

Paul Rand is probably on spin dry about now...

New business model: Deliveries, Orders, Wares and Nicieites

Things Not to Do

A man who pleaded guilty to aggravated assault had an additional six months tacked onto his eight-year sentence after he mooned the judge.

Judge Jim Parsons held 40-year-old Ray Mason in contempt of court Monday after he dropped his pants and showed Parsons and the rest of the court his backside.

Like Clockwork...

...responses from colleges began showing up yesterday right on time. Two of ten results are now in. The judges have sealed the ballots until April's treehouse party
(misc. taunts...)

Torture me all you like,
you're not getting anything out of me.

The Freedom Loving French

The French, being the staunch defenders of the rights of mankind that they are, passed this into law this week:

It is now a criminal offence to insult the French flag or national anthem. Booing the Marseillaise now carries the risk of a fine of 7,500 euros and six months in prison.

What's $8 Billion, Between Friends?

Does Don Johnson have the smuggler's blues, caught with $8 billion (yes, billion) by German police?

Then again, that's chump change. Try getting caught with Two Trillion Dollars...

American Russian Idol

Russian prison officials have promised the ultimate prize - freedom - to the winner of a contest to find the country's best singing prisoner.

"Security" Gone Mad: State Sells Confiscated Passenger Loot on eBay

That pocketknife you surrendered to airport security screeners might now be tucked away in someone else's pocket -- someone who bought it on EBay.

Under the handle CaliforniaGold2000, the state is using the Internet auction house to convert scores of confiscated items to cash.

Here's the list... and it's not all tweezers and sewing scissors, either.

One ton of comte stolen: a nation mourns.

Connoisseur thieves broke into a cheese cellar in eastern