RIP - Archway Cookies

Another great American company who produced a superior product goes Chapter 11.

Buffet hostess: "Y'all Too Fat!"

Not since Jimmy Dean shrunk their portions has there been a food scandal with such weighty implications. Two heavy guys have been forbidden to return to a buffet.

"I got 3 shrimp-balls and 2 frog-legs, cause two legs come to a frog unless they're cripple." Somebody rush to the aid of these two jokers.

Fluffernutter? I hardly know her!

There's an awesome media page on the Fluff site dedicated to the glory of a Fluffernutter sandwich. Try playing all the files at once for a surreal experience.

Confection Injection

How many times have you wished you had a big syringe that could suck out the center of a banana, so you could pump some sugary filling into it...? Well now your most delirious banana-fueled dreams have come true with DestapaBanana(tm).

Yes, we live in a world that thought this problem needed solving.
the horror...

Real life "Colon Blow"

While researching cereal box typography, I came across this gem.

Nothing says "Good Morning!" like a one-two sucker punch to your bowels.

Finally! Pancakes & Sausage...on a stick!

America: continuing to push the envelope of what can technically be defined as food.

Clown Meat!

80% pork. 20% face. Preservatives and colour. Yum!

Rich, Creamy Ordeal

A 21 year old employee of Debells Corp, a chocolate concern, fell into a vat of viscous chocolate and underwent a two-hour nightmare last Friday. Darmin Garcia said he was pushing the chocolate down into the vat because it was stuck, when it loosened unexpectedly and he slid into the hopper.

"It was in my hair, in my ears, my mouth, everywhere," said Garcia, who has worked at the company for two years. "I felt like I weighed 900 pounds. I couldn't move."

Police and firefighters tried to free him but couldn't get him loose until the chocolate was thinned out with cocoa butter. Garcia was pronounced delicious, treated for minor injuries and released.

2 Meter Wurst!

Just got back from a trip to Vienna...while I was there, we went to a place called Centimeter, where you can order a 2 Meter Wurst! 200 centimeters of delicious encased meat!

Mellified Man

Two Words: Band Name.

I now know how I want to go out. Eatin', shittin' and swimmin' in honey.

Wendy's Hip-Hop Training Video

Stewing in his own au Jus

Remember when the French were asses for not joing us in Iraq? Well Iraq did turn out to be a giant boondoggle. Still, apologies from red-faced, American reactionaries have not been forthcoming. Humble pie must be a french dessert.

Last night, Tom Delay held his "I'm an American scumbag who's been forced out of politics" sayonara dinner at a french resturant. The article recalls other examples of Delays French-bating.

I guess he had the freedom fries.

Moooooo & Oink

If you're an Average Homeboy w/ a Casio SK-1...get in on this jingle contest for Chicago's very own, Moo & Oink!

Have a Meaty Morning

Because sometimes you just want
a meat'normous sandwich in the morning, Burger King thoughtfully provides one.

AND everyone still drinks 2% out here! You can barely find skim milk in CA. Health-food, schmealth food.

1,000 lb man Down to 400 lbs

Now he's only a quarter of a ton. I'm inspired. I'm going to go out for lunch and eat a whole cake with extra gravy.

(unrelated photo)

Mexico's Heaviest Man...

at 1,213 pounds, gets his fifteen minutes of fame on an ABC web-teaser..

This ain't him.
Watch the video.

What type of wine goes with this?

Continue reading "What type of wine goes with this?" »

Happy Birthday Chicago!

Chicago's 168th Birthday Celebration

March 4, 2005

Chicago Historical Society
Clark Street at North Avenue

11 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.

Free cake and ice cream!

Just don't start singing Happy Birthday or we'll be owing royalties.

The 1,420 Calorie Monster Thickburger

A self-described "monument to decadence," the Monster Thickburger consists of two slabs of beef (one-third pound each), three slices of cheese, four strips of bacon and a generous dollop of mayonnaise on top, and the whole thing is nestled between two sesame-seed buns.

Which are buttered.

Available at Hardees

RIP: Chi Chi's

No More Fried Ice Cream

Toot!

When I was a kid the word "breezer" was slang for "fart," as in "Ewwww, Susie had beans for lunch and she just blew a breezer!" I saw these while shopping yesterday and thought "gross!"

Now you can sooth your sore throat by eating a breezer.

Mmm...hot dogs

Takeru Kobayashi beat his own personal record with 53.5 hotdogs (+buns) in 12 minutes during the Nathan's Fourth of July Hot Dog eating contest.

Personally, I think Johnny Jpeg could take 'em...

More Salad Mayhem

In the continuing effort to promote the Adkins diet, some retaurants are adding a twist to the boring old salad. Mmm! Other fixin's include "hair noodles" and Spicy Bile Sauce.

Sacre bleu! Zis zomezing I ate?

Some poor nutty Frog ate $650 in coins and needles, then went to a doctor to ask why he was feelin' low. Note the fact that he ate both French currency and euros.

Hamburgers, hamburgers, potato salad, watermelon!

Possibly the greatest video link since Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!

Bikini'd models cavorting with various types of lunchmeats and dancing around like idiots. Off Boing Boing, so chances are you'll have to be patient. It is worth the wait.

Happy Friday.

If NASA Finds Conclusive Evidence of an Ocean on Mars, America Eats Free Giant Shrimp

This photo has nothing to do with the story...

Long John Silver's First to Capitalize on Mars Exploration with Out-of-This-World Offer, Sets Sights on First Seafood Restaurant on Mars...

_{Q sez read the fine print...}

U.S. Dept. of Ag: Blame Canada!

The Mad Cow in Washington State was traced to a herd in Canada.

See! Kyle's mom was right.

Graf and I can't give blood because we lived in the UK for more than 6 months and there is the (however incredibly slight) potential of being Creutzfeldt-Jakob carriers.

Eh, we all gotta die of somethin. Pass the Filet Mignon...

Blaine Update

Buzzed by flying cheeseburger; laser pointers fail to show; still crapping pants and drinking water.

via fark

Weight Watchers from the 70's

Fluffy mackerel pudding!

Once upon a time the world was young and the words "mackerel" and "pudding" existed far, far away from one another.

Oh, and eggs, too.

via Graf via Julie via Steve

Share The Love

Carl: I "Shared the Love" with at hostess at
Red Lobster once . . . then I got crabs!

While we're on the subject of hot dogs...... check out these weinners.

Evidently there's a Corndog Festival every year that includes Corndog Styling. I think I saw the "New York Dogs" live in my kitchen after a long night of drinking and eating pork snouts wrapped in corn sweaters.

Fun things with hot dogs

It just can't get any better than this...or can it with Origami Hot Dogs!

via spacegirl

McDonald's at Field Museum busted by inspectors

In addition, a floor drain in the food preparation area was backed up with raw sewage...

Eeeewww.

via obscure store

McDonalds will offer fee-based Wi Fi

Because surely the demographic that uses Wi-Fi is also the one that enjoys low grade fast food.

Ronald and an anonymous pink friend give it a try: "...single, very white clown transvestite with huge feet seeks voluptuous, kinky female for anonyomus drive-through service. Must be into burger grease, McNuggets..."

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

How many times have you been sitting around the house in your underwear, watching your fifteenth straight hour of TV and thought. "Dang, I could sure go for some Pie in a jar right about now!" only to realize that the marketplace has not kept up with your needs.

Well now there's new Pie-in-a-jar...

Potted Meat Museum

Soul On Ice

Alas and alack! Frozen food giant Sol Friend will never enjoy the sweet taste of Iraqi freedom. Now his family will have to invite someone else over to share it. Because, as Ari Fleisher noted, "Freedom's taste is unquenchible!"

But does it stay fresh when frozen?

Rats

A kitchen worker hits a water rat on the head to stun it before it is killed for a meal in a restaurent in the southern Chinese city of Guangzhou.

Big Ass Chee-to

It's believed to be the largest Chee-to in the world. The cheesy glob of fried cornmeal that Navy Petty Officer Mike Evans found last week in a bag of the snacks is about the size of a small lemon and weighs in at about half an ounce.

Food Critics Blamed For Top Chef's Suicide

The suicide of famed chef Bernard Loiseau sent shock waves through France today and sparked condemnation from fellow culinary masters who accused the country�s all-powerful food critics of pushing him over the edge.

The news sent the gastronomic world into mourning and quickly sparked debate about the merits of restaurant guides� rating systems which chefs await each year with bated breath.

---

Dude, lighten up!

Roadkill Caf�

The vast majority of the roadkill permits are issued in rural counties.

Now that's a surprise. When I lived in Athens, OH, I worked with a woman who would regularly attempt to run down wild turkeys near her home for dinner. I am unfortunately not making this up. This is the same woman who thought "The Barenaked Ladies" was a dumb name for a band "because they ain't nekkid and they ain't ladies." Indeed.

Does this qualify as a "Q Deer Story" Q?

via obscure store

Telemadre!

Good idea from Spain! The internet-based telemadre concept puts empty-nester moms (who got used to cooking for 20 or more years) in touch with workers who want to eat better and are tired of fast food. For about $6 a day office workers get delicious home-cooked meals and lonely moms feel appreciated and make a living.

I want a telemadre...

Man-Eating Lions Dine on Ecotourists

Reports of lions eating humans are increasing in Africa, and one reason may be more tourists camping on the big cats' doorstep.

Michigan high schooler deputized by Chester Cheetah

Parents reportedly "very proud".

(Note: Fark labels story as "Hero". Hah!)

via fark

"Obesity Friendly" Ambulance Unveiled in Portland

The ranks of the obese in Oregon have swelled (hee hee) from 11 percent in 1990 to 21 percent in 2000. "We felt it was within our purview (?) to make an accommodation for these people," said some guy in charge.

Just skip the ambulance and build that town a gym

The retrofitted ambulance uses ramps and a winch to get big tubs of goo with uncontrollable food urges on board. The unit carries a flat cot that can hold up to 1,000 pounds and a wider gurney because the patients flab hangs over both sides on the regular version.
shudder... only in America!

Hospitals expect to use the unit at least twice a week. The new ambulance will be more comfortable for heavy patients "and will help preserve their dignity."
Top three punchlines follow:
1) so they can eat it later
2) Isn't it a little late for that?
3) (Dignity last seen twelve thousand doughnuts ago)

These are just a couple of highlights from a seriously goofy article.
I wonder if it's stocked with Twinkies and coated with a foul-tasting substance to prevent patients from eating the vehicle.

The Popcorn Fork

Where have you been all my life?

via boing boing

Making Chester Cheetah look like a punk-ass bitch

The marketing geniuses at Universal Records have created Rapsnacks, slapping their artists (Nelly, Master P, and Lil Romeo, among others) where they've never bling-blinged before: on snack bags.

Be sure to view the intro

Beer and Pizza

Beer? Good!

Pizza? Not so good!

Krispy Kreme Puts Out A.P.B. on Blimp

"On this Thanksgiving, I would be thankful for the safe return of our blimp," stated Centioli. "We will express our thanks to whomever safely returns the blimp by giving them one dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts a month for life."

Just like the Pilgrims used to eat

Metromix thoughtfully offers a list of places open for dinner on Thanksgiving including:
Zoom Kitchen. Try the "Durken Turkey" -- a boneless turkey, stuffed with a boneless duck, stuffed with a boneless hen and served with foie gras stuffing.

Now that's one confused piece of poultry.

I'll bet that's a pretty good salad

minus the anchovy bit, of course.

(Sorry kids, you're just gonna have to put up with my stream-of-consiousness surfing until I see fit to stop procrastinating and fix slave. Which won't be anytime soon.)

Geeks Only

How do ya get there?

How does it get here?

Dulles, hell.

How do you want your modem?

Dying for a burrito...

A man was found dead in the roof vent of The Famous Burrito, a restaurant on Chicago's South Side today. He was removed and taken to the hospital, where he was pronounced "extra spicy."

It's not clear how long he was stuck in the vent. You want a Dos Equis with that?

Fried Twinkies

"Hott for Twinkies!!"

-The Go-Nut Prince

Zookeepers Suspended for Eating Animals

A police spokesman in Recklinghausen north of Cologne said the keepers in a section of the zoo popular with small children had slaughtered and barbecued five Tibetan mountain chickens and two Cameroonian sheep.

The First Ever All-Vegetable Orchestra

Those wacky Viennese: what will they think of next?

Speaking of Altoids...

Altoids uses the ephemeral film to sell you curiously sour citrus drops.

It's a good time
for the racially-sensitive taste of McDonalds!

The McDonalds corp in Norway regrets the introduction of it's McAfrika sandwich, at a time when half of Africa is starving.

It's the real-life Chicken Run

without the voice of Mel Gibson or that carefree, kooky plot. And not nearly as much clay.

In just over two hours, the chicken has been converted from a living animal to a plastic-wrapped supermarket product, virtually untouched by human hand.

via eatonweb

When Ice Cream Turns Violent

What's up with all the ice cream aggro lately?

Battling vendors, pissed off homeowners... People! People! Let's all have a drumstick and chill the fuck out!

(The ice cream truck in our neighborhood plays that "Do your ears hang low" song.)

via The Morning News and Obscure Store

How To Feed a King - First, Splatte Your Pyke

A Royal Cookbook dating from 1500 has turned up.

Curlew, anyone?

McDonald's in Hawaii to Serve Spam

"I'm not sure why it has taken so long," Okazaki said of the Spam breakfast, which she said is offered at no other McDonald's in the world.

I'd be willing to hazard a guess, Ms. Okazaki...

Woman Dozes Off, Tanning Bed Timer Fails

Larri Brown of Williamstown, Ky., got into her home tanning bed last week and set the timer.

Then she fell asleep.

The timer was supposed to shut off the ultraviolet lights after 20 minutes, but the timer stuck.
--------
This got me to thinking that if she'd slept a little longer, she might have been good enough to eat.

And THAT got me thinking that maybe our notion of what's edible is a bit too narrow.

Scientists Create Pre-plucked Chicken

>

Kate Moss, c. 1993

Ramen Recipe Database

Mom & Dad are on their way and you don't have a thing to serve?

Fear no more! More than 200 ways to say, "God! That sucks!"

Gumbo Krewe Is Sent Packing

The message from New York City officials to the Gumbo Krewe was plain: no more gumbo.

But where are the pictures!?!?!?

Models Caked in Chocolate Ooze Down Catwalk

via Harrumph!

Pork Dialogue

Watts: I might just be interested in my first northamerican meal out NOT containing ham...somewhere...?...

The Falcon: How 'bout Bob's Palace o' Pork and Bacon?
Brunobrain: yum, i could really go for year-old Pork Hocks!
Kez: Pork Hocks and applesause?
Watts: i was thinking something more like a pork pat� on toasted pork squares drizzled with a deliciously thick and rich pork syrup..., while on the side a bit of undercooked fatty bacon rolled around pig testicles stuck through with a toothpick...i'd like to follow this up with pork mousse and double decker ham cake iced with salt pork run-off... , to be washed down with a savory pork smoothie...!...

Police + Technology = Helicopter Doughnut Run!

Okay, this has gone too far! I love this Police story. Two cops, one helicopter, one box of doughnuts--two idiots.

via Ananova

You are such a MEATHEAD!

Start with a plastic skull. Wash it well, and make sure that it's clean enough to eat off of. Because that's what you're going to do!

via Kate

eBay: 50lb Butter PDA Sculpture

In honor of the 2001 Minnesota State Fair, wireless application firm Gearworks, commissioned the creation of a 50-pound butter sculpture in the form of a gigantic PDA.

The Butter PDA was commissioned to display Gearworks' software login screen but can easily be smoothed and carved to display whatever message or image you desire. As butter goes, the Butter PDA is also quite sturdy and could survive transport of several hundred miles given proper refrigeration.

Dur... of the Week:
Crappy McDonalds Service

McDonalds is surprised that employees don't actually love to see you smile. I wonder how many million it took to learn that.

Webvan Closes

Fucked Company is observing this solemn occasion with Haikus.

extra loaves of bread
I did not order this stuff
lucky day for ducks

Where is the Webvan?
Where is my Count Chocula?
Empty street mocks me

Aeron chairs, laptops
being stolen as we speak.
Two weeks severance.

Will the webvan guy
Ever be back in my hood
I still have your crates

Webvan done closed down
'cause of their cockamamie
faith-based bidness plan.
(President George Bush)

Eight Haiku pages.
Clever; how superior!
But your firm is next.

Eat Like an Astronaut For Less Than $20 Million!

Kids won't eat healthy? Camping food? Easy dorm room food? An out-of-this-world dinner party?

This real space food offered exclusively at The Space Store is ready to open and eat, and has a five-year shelf life. These meals and individual food items are prepared by the NASA food vendor and are made to the same specifications as those used by NASA contractors to prepare meals for the astronauts and cosmonauts on ISS.

Jiminy! That's a Treat!

Our Hotlix worm suckers and other insect confections have surpassed our expectations for acceptance, perhaps due to the increased demand for insects as food.

You think that's gross?

Chocolate Crickets in New Ice Cream

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) -- It took some prodding and a side of mint ice cream to get Regan Meyer to even agree to try the Cold Stone Creamery's new
delicacy.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," the 20-year-old said, but she stuck the spoon in her mouth and bit down.

"Eeuuuw! I can feel the cricket!"

Yes, crickets -- baked, dipped in chocolate and mixed into ice cream. The national ice cream store chain is trying to give its customers a taste of "Survivor,"
though somewhat sweetened from the television experience where the contestants ate insects straight.

Like the show, Cold Stone Creamery is dangling a prize to tempt the timid: free ice cream on the next visit and entry into a raffle for a trip to the Australian
filming site of the CBS reality show.

"We just wanted to have fun with it," said Brian Curin, director of marketing for Scottsdale, Ariz.-based Cold Stone Creamery. He said the campaign is the
most innovative in the company's 13-year history. All 142 stores in 26 states, primarily in the West and South, are participating.

Patty Gardiner, who owns a Cold Stone Creamery in Salt Lake City, said she had sold about 50 two-crickets servings since the store started the promotion a
week ago. A serving costs 49 cents.

"One guy ate 10 crickets all by himself," she said. "He loved them; just kept buying them."

Meyer, after swallowing her sample and regaining her composure, said: "I guess it really didn't taste all that bad. It was just the idea."

Others sampling the crickets said they tasted like a Kit Kat bar -- crunchy and chocolatey.

Gardiner's crickets come from a candy company called Hotlix that specializes in bug-based treats, like its Tequila lollipop with a worm inside. The company
raises, bakes and sells crickets, maggots, cockroaches, ants and worms for general consumption. On special occasions it produces scorpions and mosquito
larvae.

For chocolate-covered crickets, Hotlix raises about 10,000 crickets in cages until they are about six weeks old, then forces them into hibernation, or nearly
frozen, and bakes them for about five minutes. Then they are doused in chocolate.

Hotlix owner Larry Peterman said the crickets could be "gut-loaded" or fed bananas, apples or grass to give them a different flavor.

The Utah Department of Health hasn't received any complaints from the Cold Stone Creamery's cricket eaters.

"I would be more concerned about people eating too much chocolate than too many crickets," said Stephen McDonald, the health department's marketing
director.

Peanut Butter and Freezer Burn!

By lunchtime, Uncrustables are thawed and ready to eat.

Now, anyone that knows me well knows that I am all over anything involving the words "peanut butter." But these just look nasty. Uncrustables?!? Sounds like you're eating some sort of shellfish.

via eatonweb

Please Don't Eat the Tacos

-snip-

The restaurant, which opened four months ago at 2424 Williams Blvd., was shut down Friday after police spotted cook Chen Fenbin shooting doves with a pellet gun in a wooded lot behind the building, police said. When Fenbin saw the officer, he retreated to the restaurant, where police say they found a pellet pistol on a table in the kitchen and a pellet rifle in the freezer.

Police also said they found bird feathers on the kitchen floor and in a sink, and several small plucked and cleaned doves in a cook pot.

-snip-

Of course, I suppose a pellet is neater than a
Major League Fastball.

See the bird. See the bird fly. See the bird explode.

Mmmm, Turducken! You know: Tur-Duc-Hen!

A turducken consists of a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey.

And for the extreme turducken BBQ:

Since the turducken would be a memorable objet de f�te, why not turn it into an objet d'art as well? Ideas ran the gamut from sticking a couple of trout out of the sides, to creating an arachnid appearance with snow crab legs. In the end, we opted for something simple:

Yes, that would be turducken dressed with a vest of spare ribs, a bacon bow tie, and a bacon belt with a working eggplant belt buckle. Go see for yourself.


via dan.el.ope