House 8 is no longer active, at least here. We're over here now.
funny ha ha
18 Jan 2009
Eco-capitalism
27 year old Tim DeChristopher took offense at Bush's last minute act of douchebaggery in auctioning acres of Utah wilderness to oil drillers. He went to the auction himself and bid 1.7 mill (he didn't have) forcing bidders to pay way too much for their deeds. And even better, he won 22,000 acres of land!!! The land is now saved from drilling because the Bushies can't re-auction it in time.
The land is now tied up, and will rpobably not be reauctioned under Obama.
Brilliant!
David Sedaris had this to say about undecided voters:
I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?
To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?"
To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.
Even after being mocked, England continues its search for a 6-word motto that sums up the whole British experience. Various sites here have asked what a 6-word motto for the U.S. would be. Here's a very long, pretty funny page of suggestions:
"I Can’t Believe It’s Not Democracy"
"Still Using Fahrenheit, Feet, and Gallons"
“Land of the six word motto”
"What can we screw up next?"
"Hubris: it’s not just for Greeks!"
"All your oil belong to us"
“That looks nice. It’s mine now”
“stop me before I kill again”
"I'm sorry, do I know you"
"Press one to proceed in English"
“Smart equals faggy, dumb it down”
For a long time, I noted that lesbians start to resemble Roger Ebert as they age. Well, now there's a blog called men who look like old lesbians.com. Keep clicking "Older Posts" as you reach the bottom of the page... wait till you get to Ric Ocasek and Christopher Walken.
I didn't believe it when I heard about it, but then my friend/co-woker Mike told me, "There are two things I never joke about sir! The White Sox and seeing hot pink vibrators laying on a roof."
ESPN has the classic footage of Rusty Wallace taking out Tony Danza in a promotional go-kart race, causing him to flip over a tire barrier and nearly split his melon again.
"I thought, my last year of racing, I killed Tony Danza." -- Rusty Wallace
Check out this 1984 video where Mr. T does a shout out for mother's everywhere. I pity the fool that doesn't like a man w/ a hundred pounds of bling in coochie-cutters singing about his mother.
"Hi, I'm Richard Gere and I'm speaking for the entire world ( ! ). We're with you during this election time. It's really important. Get out and vote," Gere says in the English-language advertisement. He repeats the phrase, "Get out and vote" in Arabic.
But many voters, already struggling with the labyrinthine politics of the West Bank and Gaza, say they have never heard of the actor, and were even less interested when they were told he's an American.
"I don't even know who the candidates are other than Abu Mazen, let alone this Gere," Gaza soap factory worker Manar an-Najar told Reuters Wednesday. "We don't need American intervention. We know who to elect. Not like them - they elected a moron."
I guess after all the gay bashing from John Kerry and the Liberals in this election, the term "Gay" got kind of tarnished, so George W. Bush is using his new term: "Man Date".
I guess in four years those damned liberals will be "Man Date" bashing instead of gay bashing.
(sorry jpeg, I couldn't resist)
btw... I know that they are using "Mandate" to mean something entirely different, but it's funnier if you say "Man Date" instead of Mandate.
"Bush Relatives for Kerry" grew out of a series of conversations that took place between a group of people that have two things in common: they are all related to George Walker Bush, and they are all voting for John Kerry...
...We invite you to read our stories, and please, don't vote for our cousin!
If his own relatives are smart enough to not vote for George W. Bush, why would anyone vote for him?
Jerry Seinfeld teams up with The Man of Steel to hawk American Express in an online-only campaign. The usual Seinfeld hilarity ensues, if you're into that sort of thing. No confirmation, but I'm fairly sure that's Puddy doing Superman.
"I think he just got a kick out of being on the police radio and talking to us," Brandon said. "Maybe he's infatuated with the police. Maybe one of these days, he'll become a police officer."
Conan O'brien took his show and Triumph the insult comic dog to Canada...only to insult them.
In the skit, a beret-wearing Triumph was seen visiting the Quebec carnival where several locals appeared distinctly unamused by his grouchy remarks.
"So you're French and Canadian, yes? So you're obnoxious and dull," the puppet told one passerby. "You're in North America, learn the language," he hollered at another.
And to one rotund man, Triumph suggested he might want to separate himself from doughnuts for awhile.
Reviewer: Sheri from greensboro, north carolina
DON'T READ THIS BOOK. i know it's suposed to be a "classic" but god it is awful. first of all its NOTHING like the future is probly going to turn out. second of all every one says the aurthor george orwell is so trippy and wierd but i think he's just trying to cover up for the fact that HE CAN'T WRITE. please george do us all a faver and stop writing books.
(your wish was granted, back in 1950!)
Reviewer: domingo from walla wallla, WA
The book itself is uninterestring and the text is plain like water... It shows how totalitarianism works and how it feels to always be watched. All of my friends that read this book said the same thing, "Boring!" Students that are into more action and adventure will not enjoy this book.
Despite their unapologetically unilateralist global poicies, the administration has put together a funny little movie featuring that loveable little scamp and everyone's favorite first dog, Barney. Watch as Barney struggles to get the White House decorated on time for Christmas.
Oh fer fucks sake, where do we begin? This is perhaps one of the greatest sites EVER. Do not visit until you've got about an hour to kill and are wearing some sort of protection against urinating yourself.
Not to be missed: The Brainwash 'em Early Section, featuring Habu the Hindu elephant, saddened by his inability to keep track of his many gods, and (I'm not kidding) Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew.
Is it ironic that this site's Objective to reclaim Halloween sounds like a Landover Baptist article, a site they are also trying to shut down? (Rallying cry: "He didn't give his life to be mocked.")
Enjoy...
The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heros they see on TV are very enamored with "make believe" and "role playing". This is one of the reasons that Halloween keeps getting more popular every year since it allows them to dress up as their heros. Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes (often cheaply purchased in local retail stores) as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like.
LATEBREAKING UPDATE: DO NOT miss the extra-creepy Baby Jesus (Speakers on, kiddies!)
Eagerly awaiting the much anticipated Come Poop With Me album, I ran across 'For me to poop on!' which conviently allows you to 'poop' on any web site you choose. Happy pooping!
In response to my story about missing engine rivets on our first plane back from LA (don't worry, they found them in LA, not Chicago), Q sent me this. It had me belly-laughing this afternoon. Those wacky Aussies!
BadonkaDate.com is the worlds largest badonkadonk butt singles network. As a proven leader in online dating, Badonkadate.com gives men the opportunity to connect with women who have big juicy booties.
Pitt junior Brandon Smith wanted a tattoo that proclaimed his manliness, so he decided to get the Chinese characters for strength and honor on his chest. After 20 minutes under the needle of local tattoo artist Andy Sakai, he emerged with the symbol for small penis embedded in his flesh.
I think this might be an oldie, but how could you get sick of:
"Try my magic recipe of two parts silk pillows, two parts Marvin Gaye, four parts Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and ten parts high school girl. Tres Magnifique."
The crime: Alleged misdemeanor battery (assault on a sausage with a baseball bat)
The victim: Italian Sausage
The alleged perpetrator: Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon
The incident: As the four sausages were coming toward the finish line during their traditional race after the sixth inning, Simon allegedly whacked Italian Sausage over the head with a wood bat (presumably uncorked), causing the meat of the savory Italian variety to fall to the ground and also trip up the Hot Dog in the process.
You, as a Volunteer Minister, are entrusted to help bring to earth this new day, through the religions philosophy and applied technology that is Scientology. The technology of today and tomorrow is Scientology.
In anticipation of the Cubs-Sox series at Wrigley Field June 20-22, dozens up on dozens of Sox fans are planing to take to the streets in what organizers are billing the Million Mullet March. It will be the largest gathering of Sox fans ever outside of the Cook County penitentiary system.
This slanderous article and more, thanks to The Heckler... the offical sarcastic newspaper for Cubs fans.
SAN FRANCISCO (KRON) -- Parents just don't understand the new rage with Oakland kids. It's called a 'whistle tip' and it attaches to a car's muffler to make the car screechingly loud....... "The whistles go whoo whoo," says whistle fan Bubb Rubb.
We may be looking at a power crunch coming this summer with a serious supply problem with natural gas- and, of course, our issues with oversea oil supplies. Why don't we take a cue from the Italians...who seem to realize (although unintentionally) where humans real power comes from...
This remix combines two things that never get old: the words "Gay Bar" and the homoerotic undercurrent between leaders from the United Kingdom and their diplomatic allies.
Since 1992, the Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression has celebrated the birth and ideals of its namesake by calling attention to those who in the past year forgot or disregarded Mr. Jefferson's admonition that freedom of speech "cannot be limited without being lost."
This year's big winners:
John Ashcroft, The 107th US Congress, and school boards intent on eradicating Harry Potter.
"The band, part of Norway's death metal music scene, was carving up a dead sheep as part of its stage act when the animal's head flew off lead singer Maniac's knife and struck 25-year-old Per Kristian Hagen." (via Popshot.net)
On a related heavy metal note, check out Strongbad's latest creation, Trogdor: the Burninator. There's also a Trogdor video game elsewhere on the site.
"Kevin and Bean Show" entertainment reporter Ralph Garman got through to Chirac by claiming to be France's most loved American funnyman -- a prank that has the real Lewis considering legal action.
"Jerry is outraged that this impersonation occurred, especially at this critical time in the conduct of foreign policy," Alan Isaacman, Lewis' attorney, tells EW.com.
A man who pleaded guilty to aggravated assault had an additional six months tacked onto his eight-year sentence after he mooned the judge.
Judge Jim Parsons held 40-year-old Ray Mason in contempt of court Monday after he dropped his pants and showed Parsons and the rest of the court his backside.
WASHINGTON, DCMaintaining his hardline stance against Saddam Hussein, President Bush ordered Iraq to fully dismantle its military before the U.S. begins its invasion next week. "U.S. intelligence confirms that, even as we speak, Saddam is preparing tanks and guns and other weapons of deadly force for use in our upcoming war against him," Bush said Sunday during his weekly radio address. "This madman has every intention of firing back at our troops when we attack his country." Bush warned the Iraqi dictator to "lay down [his] weapons and enter battle unarmed, or suffer the consequences."
>>The so-called "lost Eastern art" was perverse and sickening. Seal a kitten in a jar, where its developing bones would warp into the shape of the container. Maintain life via drugs and tubes. In three or four months, you'd have an "aesthetically pleasing, custom shaped" Bonsai Kitten.<<
"Harvey -- a 200-pound white dog with a foot-long red tongue -- began mocking MacTavish during a timeout.
Harvey leaned over the glass behind the bench which prompted MacTavish to grab the tongue, rip it out and throw it into the crowd.
Undeterred, Harvey kept leaning over the glass. MacTavish reached for a hockey stick but was calmed by Oilers trainer Ken Lowe. Several Oilers players squirted Harvey with water bottles before security moved the mascot away."
All Accessories, All At Once: You've seen this before: the publishing type who wears all his labels at once, plus creams his hair back, checks his watch, and worries about his Audi getting dinged on the street. On the same spectrum, the emo-rock boy who has six pins on his jacket, his hair poofing just so, the right glasses, the right shoulder bag.
If you're one of these, take a weekend at a spiritual retreat. If you see one of these, stand back, especially on a subway platform. Anyone this obsessed is the type of person who will line up for fascists, and you never know what their leader has already told them.
"Victorian taxidermy was very popular once but is not really in favor now," said Kevin Moore, owner of the mid-18th century Jamaica Inn in southwest England, where the 6,000 figures are set out in sentimental -- some would say tasteless -- tableaux.
Ostensibly, it was to test the thesis that contests had become so ubiquitous that it would be possible to live entirely on what one had won in them. This was called kensho seikatsu (Living off contests).
On July 17th, Apple premiered a new set of switcher ads including one featuring Ellen Feiss. I couldn't figure out if she had just woken up from a nap or if she was under the influence of some legal or illegal substance(s). So lets have some fun ! I extracted a frame from the video and created a photoshop template with our Ellen. It's all ready to go, including knockout. Be creative and fun.
An online safe sex game featuring saucy sound effects and street slang has introduced more than tens of thousands of young people to safe sex facts that they might otherwise be unaware of, a British charity said on Monday.
When you don't have time to watch an hour program or a read a book, Bio-A-Minute will give you what you desire in no time at all.
Ayn Rand
Ayn Rand: All things that can't be proved through half-assed science-fiction can not be logical and therefore can not be good for man's pursuit of happiness. Also there is no God.
Young and Dumb: Ayn Rand you're a god. You are the most enlightened person to have ever existed.
An easy to conceal, easy to use urinating device with a very realistic prosthetic penis. It has been extensively tested and proven to work under real-life conditions!
(warning! clicking this link may introduce you to the world of prosthetic penises!)
Anonymously inform your coworkers of their "poor crotch hygiene." BTW, if any of you are feeling mortified right now from having received one... you're welcome!
"EITHER YOU ARE WITH US, OR YOU ARE WITH THE CHILD MOLESTERS"
From this day forward, any church that continues to harbor or support priests will be regarded by the United States as hostile Christianity. And I strongly suggest you be against the molesters, for the sake of the children.
Little Tommy sleepy-head
Will you get up out of bed?
Your company is in the red
Little Tommy sleepy head
I will not get up out of bed
The guy on NPR he said
The New Economy is dead
No I will not get out of bed
Will you click my url?
please click it now I want to sell
Click it! Click it! Click! I yell
So will you click my url?
I will not click your url
I will not click your things to sell
I won't click banner ads as well
I will not click, I'm mad as hell
I had a dot-com company
I had a ton of equity
I had a job but now I see
my layoff on fuckedcompany
Do you like fuckedcompany?
I do not like it, actually
I do not like it when I see
my layoff on fuckedcompany
Will you still work for shares of stock?
I will not work for shares of stock
Your equity is just a crock
I will not work for shares of stock.
Not peer-to-peer! Not B2B!
Not Open Source or B2G!
Diluted shares are not for me
I will not work for equity!
When would you like your pink slip, then?
Your cubicle at at half past ten?
I would not like it there or then
I would not like it anywhen
I would not like it after noon
I would not like it very soon
I would not like it in my cube
I would not like it in a tube
I would not like it in my beemer
or handed to me by a lemur
I would not like it in my chai
or from that stupid dot-com guy
I would not like it with a pie
I would not like it with a lie
with email, pager, conference call
I don't want that pink slip at all
Will you be landing on you feet?
Will you be living on the street?
I cannot say for sure as my
portfolio is running dry
Did you buy stock in Amazon?
I did buy stock in Amazon
and now my shares are in the john
I hate my shares of Amazon
Well, here's your pink slip, sorry dude
leave quietly and don't be rude
I hope you lose the attitude
and learn to say, "will work for food"
Say! I do like being unemployed
I like not being so annoyed
I like to hang at Starbucks then
to stay in bed till half past ten
Say! I like not working every night
until the early morning light
I like not chasing after bucks
and venture capitalist fucks
The most compelling evidence that the Smurfs were communists comes from their relationship to the arch-villian Gargamel. If you remember, the only thing that Gargamel wanted the Smurfs for was for his own profit. In the first four or five seasons, Gargamel's master plan was to catch the Smurfs, boil them, and turn them into gold. For some reason, in the later years when the show was dying, they started saying that he wanted to eat the poor blue creatures, but for the most part he wanted to turn them into gold. He didn't care about the Smurfs themselves, their culture, or their well-being. All he cared about was getting gold. His only interest in how to get rich, and nothing, nothing would get in his way.
Should my loved one be placed in an Assisted Computing Facility?
Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care Centres," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged," Assisted Computing Facilities, (ACFs), are modeled on assisted living facilities, and provide a safe, structured residential environment for those unable to handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are oases of hope and encouragement that allow residents to lead productive, technologically relevant lives without the fear and anxiety associated with actually having to understand or execute the technologies themselves.
Be sure to read the 10 Warning Signs to see if you or a loved one need help.
If you don't believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.
Ninjas are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can't wait to start yoga next year. I love ninjas with all of my body (including my pee pee).
Forget about Y-2-Khai. Forget the Icy Hot Stuntaz. Forget about that Peter Pan guy. Here's an internet super-weirdo to top them all. View at your own risk, as ladies have been known to faint at the sight of his fluffy mullet.
"Why am I such a good lover? Here's one of the many reasons. Since I am very good with my hands, I am able to vibrate them. When I go out to clubs and show the ladies that I can vibrate my hands, they go crazy! Here's an audio recording of me vibrating my hands. I'm holding a 100% real gold pen and vibrating it against my custom made solid mahogany desk. Since I am strong, I dented the pen while vibrating it against my desk. Even though it's a gold pen, it is not much of a loss for me."
To remind children that Jesus is with them always. A contemporary statue for today's youth. Jesus is with us in everything we do, watching over us & involved in all of our acts & activities.
This was featured on Conan last night, but I know I've seen it before. Notice that #21 in the statue is about to clothes-line Jebus in the waist.
If it didn't cost so much each of you would receive this fine ceramic ensemble of the Last Supper with black apostles and a black Jesus for your birthday.
As our civil liberties become fewer and fewer, Adam Ant has become a political prisoner in the New World Orders war on dandy pop stars. Show your support for this jailed goody two shoes, currently being held in a UK mental hospital against his will on the trumped up charge of waving a gun around in some wankers face. No justice, no peace, no foppish dance pop.
Don't forget to pick up your "Free Winona" shirt, too!
OSLO (Reuters) - An American woman had no need to fasten her seatbelt on a flight from Scandinavia to the United States after a high-pressure vacuum flush sealed her to the toilet seat of the transatlantic airliner.
The woman filed a complaint with Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS) after her ordeal on a Boeing 767 flight last year. She got sucked in after pushing the flush button while seated, activating a system to clean the toilet by vacuum, the airline said Monday.
"She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose," a SAS spokeswoman told Reuters. "She was stuck there for quite a long time."
ROSE HILL, VABruce Pillard, 34, was angered Tuesday over his 6-year-old daughter's indifferent reaction to A Charlie Brown Christmas. "That show is a classic and an annual tradition!" an incensed Pillard told daughter Courtney after watching the program on CBS. "It is not 'boring,' and the voices do not sound 'weird.' What the hell is wrong with you?" Courtney was then sent to her room for the remainder of the evening.
A satirical White House Site...including Governor Tom Ridge's Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo "requiring every last man, woman, and child in the nation to obtain an exciting new breed of tattoo."
Also amusing...Homeland Security Safety tips...be vigilant of any Burka-Clad transvestites.
At least one journalist is going off about what Harry Potter mania really means:
"America, your kids have become major dweebs. It's as if the entire nation poured itself a glass of milk and went down to the basement to play Dungeons & Dragons. Where are the kids who are supposed to be beating up the kids who like Harry Potter?"
long!
funny...
Brilliant? Stupid? Frightening? All these come to mind. All I know is that it's got Storm Troopers waving their hands in the air. Waving them like they just don't care.
"The girls were doing a lot of buttons about stuff they liked, like The Backstreet Boys and horses," Chao said. "But then the boys started doing all these mean, funny ones, like 'Student Council Sucks' and 'Mr. Cecil Is Gay.' One boy made, like, 10 different buttons calling different people gay."
Well, this dude standing by my desk is wearing a really fucked up jacket - can I cap him?
I may be way behind the times on this one, but you can get the book My New Fighting Technique is Unstoppable (on karate, not the war) at Chicago Comics and Quimby's.
Vic Vinyl is a nasty inflatable toy who enjoys making life difficult for Balloon Boy and Balloon Dog while the plastics company which created them is closed for the weekend. Fans of the film Reservoir Dogs will get a kick out of the references to a certain deserted warehouse and Vics Mr. Blond-like antics.
Chirstian, from the Spark.com applies for a job as the third baseman for the seattle mariners. check out the resume he sent them, it's pretty darn funny. here's a snip of his 'experience'...
Head Second Baseman
LITTLE ROCK CENTRAL HIGH
Developed goal-oriented approach to bat/ball interaction. Operated positive attitude. Managed athletic cup. 1991-1993
Buyer provides round-trip plane ticket to the nearest airport, as well as cab fare to your house and back. If you are not close to an airport, you may provide me with a train ticket or other means of transportation. Do not pick me up, as I will be attacking you completely randomly. Buyer must also provide good, clear directions to their house, as well as any business expenses for if I need to stay in a hotel or buy food for myself during the trip. Most likely though I will just fly in, kick your ass, and then leave.
I'm sure you've all seen that now-famous photograph of the mystery man photographed atop the World Trade Center while an airliner approaches in the background. It all seemed just a little too strange to believe. What seems really strange to me, however, is how we could have missed his presence at so many other major disasters throughout history. Take a look at a photographic history of this Zelig-like mystery man.
(Apparently that Quiet Riot/Slaughter/Warrant concert got pretty nasty)
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"
The Lord Almighty finally responded to nearly two decades of praise in hip-hop album liner notes Monday, when He gave a shout-out back to all His loyal niggaz.
"Right about now, I want to send a shout-out to each and every nigga who's shown Me love through the years," said the Lord, His booming voice descending from Heaven. "I got mad love for each and every one of you niggaz. Y'all real niggaz out there, you know who you are. Y'all was there for me, and it's about time I'm-a give some love back to God's true crew."
"All y'all niggaz, y'all be My niggaz," the Lord added.
ESL Textbook Concentrates On Food-Preparation Vocabulary
NEW YORK-- An English as a Second Language textbook focuses predominantly on food-preparation vocabulary, night-school student Eduardo Reyes reported Monday. "I must admit, I would like to learn how to say more than, 'I have diced the onions,' and, 'Did he want scrambled or over-easy?'" said a disconsolate Reyes, speaking through a translator, following his first lesson. "I had hoped to learn words for the different parts of the body so I can pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. I have instead learned much about the grilling of chickens."
Khai is an asian man with a pompadour who takes hip-hop songs off the radio and remakes them with his own lyrics, off-tempo rapping and heavy accent. Check out his videos.
Roberta Lai gave me an article about this guy at my birthday shindig. He tried to sneak into the country buy disguising himslef as a seat in a van that crossed the Mexican border.
I was a fairly big fan of Tim Burton's early pieces such as Edward Scissors Hands, but Nightmare Before Christmas and that Peach flick didn't do much for me. However, I am very impressed with Burton's new creation, Stainboy. Some pretty fresh stuff! I particularly enjoyed the episode called "Bowling Ball Head."
Heavy: "I've got on green socks." NationalGeographic.com: "Preserving endangered species. Say cheese!" The Onion: "To advertise call Phil Meyer." Plastic: "Bankruptcy never felt so good." Swell: "Sam Donaldson, dude, gnarly toupe."
"It is the first time it has happened that everyone in our two teams was called Patel. The last time we played Amarmilan there were 20 Patels.
"This time there were 22, but that was by accident not design. One regular member of our team, Yash Dave, who is a good batsman and wicketkeeper couldn't play so we played all Patels.
Review from a chick site:
We picked Nads because its the only infomercial product whose name is slang for genitals. Apparently its named after the inventors daughter, which makes us feel even worse for laughing, but can we help it? Its named Nads! At motivational staff meetings, do you think the cheer is "Go, Nads!"?
We can only hope.
I invited several friends to come sit around my coffee table and excitedly discuss the product under soft lighting, just like they do on TV. We couldnt set our testing in Australia, but to give it an Australian feel we drank Fosters.
Oh, we were having fun. The name alone provided lots of good material: "Can I put my Nads on your leg?" "Do you like my Nads on your thigh?" "Do you want my Nads on your butt?"
On a pain scale from one to ten, with one being a pinprick and ten being a didgeridoo up your rectum, we gave it a four. Its not as painful as tossing your own nads on a barbee, but it hurts a bit.
In my case, it hurt for nothing. It didnt work at all. The only hair my linen strip picked up was a pube from the bathroom floor.
A Spinal Tap-like send-up of big-haired, Jersey Shore metal. Lead singer Devlin Mayhem wails like Axl Rose on crack, performing so strenuously that he needs a 10-minute break after the first song. He's backed by Baron Klaus Von Goaten, who preens in a silver mask, licks his own hair, and grunts epithets in bad German; and drummer Sloth Vader.
There are impediments to the band's success, though. "A reputable record company wanted to sign us for $5000," announced Mayhem at the apex of the evening. "But we don't have that kind of money."
Across this great splay of a nation walk a confused and ragged few--the unlucky in love. To them, the earth is empty and dark, and they walk it alone, crippled by loneliness and with very swollen glands. My sister is their leader.
In her whole life, Melissa's had one boyfriend, and he turned out to be, in her words, "a drunk retard who will probably be a wife-beater once he gets better aim." Of course, she realized this two weeks before the wedding, when he chased her around with a potted plant. This was a year ago.
In a nutshell, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to find my sister a decent guy. Completely unaware of this Project, she's come up to Boston to hang out with me for the summer. I've got a bunch of eligible bachelor-type friends to set her up with, and I've got espionage equipment so I can spy on them all. She will go on dates, and I will observe and guide her towards happiness. If necessary, I will wear goggles.
"Rtmark" is a vigalante art endeavor that solicits anti-corporate conceptual ideas from people and tries to find money or sponsorship to build them. Keep your eyes peeled for greeting cards for cons on Death Row, A robot that moves onto private turf to spray paint messages on the ground, and the Barbie Liberation Army.
Like something out of Fight Club.
With moves such as "My Artificial Hip Joint" and "Ow! I Cut My Wrists!", you too can shuck and jive with your local I'm-so-depressed-please-kill-me-now Goth scene. Glop on some cake-y white face powder and some jet black mascara, slip on your grammy's lace gloves and shake your money-maker.
PRINTER, Ky., 10:21 a.m. EDT June 28, 2001 -- An Eastern Kentucky love story has touched the hearts of all who knew Dwayne and Carolyn Sue Carroll.
Dwayne was working at a grave site Tuesday evening in a Floyd County family plot when he collapsed and died of a heart attack. When Carolyn Sue found his body, she too was stricken and died.
Carolyn Sue's brother, Gary Robinson, said that the two had been inseparable during 18 years of marriage. He added: "I can only dream of having somebody love me like that."
When the 49-year-old Carolyn Sue didn't hear from her 48-year old husband for a few hours, she and two others went to look for him. When his body was found, she fell to her knees in prayer.
Moments later, as an ambulance was arriving, Carolyn Sue collapsed and died. The gravesite was being made ready for a tombstone the Carrolls had ordered. It was engraved with their names.
Both had been under treatment for heart conditions.
If you find yourself sent back in time to the 1980s and need to kill time until Street Fighter II is invented, you could play Urban Champion instead. Then again, you could also lick a piece of poop.
Stuart Murdoch, of resident whiny rockers Belle and Sebastian, says "One minute we were discussing the merits of Glasgow's superiority and the next thing you know, these blokes start throwing punches."
Reportedly, things escalated when Looper frontman, Stuart David made the sweeping claim that "after the Stone Roses debut in 1989, Manchester's scene was as dead as Athens, Georgia in 1986." The comments reportedly sparked a fistfight between Mogwai frontman, Stuart Braithwaite, and Happy Monday's dancing fool, Bez. "Whoomp!" exclaimed Bez, "I'll show you who will come on and die young you little bitch!"
The long dead music scene of London could not be reached for comment.
kenne bruno: "gorgo, when i started working here, i thought you were quiet because you didn't talk to me much."
gorgo: "kenne, i was just intimidated by your handsome looks."
kenne bruno: "gorgo, you should be careful what you say to me. i could put what you say in front of many eyes."
gorgo: kenne, i am not ashamed to express my love for you."
kenne bruno: "hey, have fun at the parade this weekend!"
just when i thought the net was losing its flare. once again proving the human mind is as small as a pooh nugget from a emaciated ninety year old with nothing but Early Times in his lunchbox. This Dang goes out to all of you lovers who lack one thing:Jack Tripper's smooth pick up tactics.
one of my favorite sites, chickenhead.com, has some new content worth laughing at. i like to think society will one day accept children carrying guns. kinda like the legalization of pot issue. shit, just legalize it and maybe kids will respect guns more and, therefore, respect those they execute at school. we really need that, yo.
Not that I've ever actually *watched* Star Trek or anything... uh.... yeah... anyway, whoever is writing copy for "Quark's" the Las Vegas restaurant mecca for Trekkies, is a bona fide genius:
"Next, you can assimilate a main course, choosing from over twenty delectable dishes including the Talaxian Turkey Wrap, the Wrap of Khan, or the Romulan Warbird (which tastes surprisingly like chicken)."
Last weekend I saw the short film, Receiver. which documents the story of Kurt "The Strangler" Jenson, a champion of the Belvidire backyard wrestling federation (who was in attendance at that night's showing).
I was inspired, to look for more zany web wrestling antics and came across WrestleCrap. The site covers all of the stupid plot lines that have made it into pro wrestling.
On a related note, I was informed that Bob Mould (ex-Hsker D), who has always been a big wrestling fan, was seriously trying to get a job as a writer for the WWF. He was turned down because his work was too conservative, but he still writes scenarios as a hobbyist.
this will be my first Dang of the Day entry. hope you like it, please come again. and to mark the conception of Dang of the Day, i'd like to take a look back into the old days, retro style--yep, offline. all you have to do in order to enjoy the Dang of the Day is pick up that old telephone (that's right, the telephone!) and dial this local number (local if you live in chicago): 312.943.5397.
Now a PC can do what a Mac has always been able to do. This link sends you a sound file of any titallating phrase you enter.
My faves:
* "Make love to me!"
* "Have you seen my vibrator?"
* "Who farted?"
You'll laugh till you cry.
This is another old link cause people aren't blogging enough for my taste.
Check out the video...of course, they cut out the actual strip tease, but the end result is clearly visible. The kid's speech made me think the video was a hoaxat first, it was so polished. I'm mostly astounded that he got through the whole thing without being stopped--amazing in the age of zero tolerance. Huzzah!
"People think, 'Oh, that Angrybot, he's such an asshole. He's just some big mean jerk.' But what they don't see is that they're stupid dumbass jerkoffs and if they'd just stop breathing and die, for a change, then maybe I wouldn't be so ticked off all the time. Hey, I hurt inside. The only time I feel any joy or satisfaction is when I'm going to tell someone that I'm going to rip their organs out."
MASS hysteria is sweeping across India's capital after reports of a superpowered monkey man, with hairy body and sharp metal claws, attacking people as they sleep on their roofs in the sweltering heat.
And my favorite exerpt:
One man was killed when he jumped off the roof of his house during a purported attack, screaming, "The monkey has come!"
my name is Cliff Yablonski. I have never met you before, but I hate you regardless. if I met you in public, I'd still hate you. I probably wouldn't hate you any more than how much I currently hate you, because I don't think that would be humanly possible. I would probably punch you in the face though. I hate everybody and everything I find on the Internet. my site and the "Law and Order" website are the only places worth visiting. Richard convinced me to make a site dedicated to all the people I know and hate, maybe so his stupid "Something Awful" website won't suck as much. even though my site is on "Something Awful", I still hate him and his website. I hate you too.
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