Hoo doggie...

I guess what elevates this sex toy to the heights of weirdness for me is the product name "I Rub My Wormie."

...from the weirdest sextoys list, which also features.
- Alien blow-up doll.
- Wearable oral sex light
Really... you're going to have many questions after sequencing through the list.

Hungry after Sex?

I couldn't decide if you needed to know more urgently about:
- Cheeseburger-in-a-can or...
- online Smurf porn (in Spanish)

They both seemed pretty important. Do I actually have to say
The smurf porn link is NOT appropriate for work environments?

[both from Buzzfeed]

If I had just one wish this holiday season...

...it would be to receive the "doggy style" pencil sharpener, which extends kitsch into previously uncharted territory. I wonder if Homer knows what Marges headless body is up to.

Halloween 2007: Nearly rape-free

Come for the dental work!

Stay for the free breast fondling.

Farce

noun, a light, humorous play in which the plot depends upon a skillfully exploited situation rather than upon the development of character.

Closet-case Larry Craig was back in congress today in time to vote against, & defeat the Matthew Shepardhate crimes bill

Now that's what I call Reform

China has executed it's Food & Drug Chief for bringing shame to the country.
Dang.

Defender of heterosexual marriage and (ahem -----> GOP Senator Vitter diddles prostitutes Hope is... rumors that Dick Cheney is on the DC hooker list will prove true.

The pope has called "Bullshit!" on all non-catholic brands of christianity. Well done popey, christian divisiviness is a secular liberal's best friend.

Hi I'm Troy McClure, you may remember me from such films as "School Massacre" and "School Massacre 2: the Dumbening!"

Tennessee teachers fake a gunman incident, you know, for education purposes.

The daVinci Coke

Inspired by the daVinci code which we saw last night, I will be forming my own secret society later today. We're either going to work to publish the formula for Coke, or expose the girl scouts plans for world domination. I haven't decided yet.

If you're not in, please forget you saw this...

Yeah, you like that salsa... don't you?

The good people of Scottsdale AZ are upset about a restaurant opening in June called The Pink Taco, because it's a slang term for a woman's goodies.

that's dirty!

Halliburton Solves Global Warming

"The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way," said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida.

http://www.halliburtoncontracts.com/about/

http://www.theyesmen.org/

The Age-old Conflict

"Crocodile Kills Humanitarian"
proving once again that crocodiles hate humanitarians.

That croc needs a good lawyer.

This just in

What to do when you have hit a new lowest rating, you sunk your country in war that virtually noone supports anymore, and you despise yourself? Bomb Iraq!

Please would someone get this man a blowjob.

Southern Intellect

(with apologies to Kristin & Troy)

Authorities arrested 3 southern college students in the recent string of church burnings in Alabama. Matthew Lee Cloyd said the first five were done "as a joke, and it got out of hand."

A few days later, Cloyd and his buds went back and burned four more churches as a diversion, intended to throw off investigators, but says the super-genius "the diversion did not work."

I've changed my mind. I'm FOR executing the oblivious.

Freedom '06

Strangely overgroomed, age-fighting pop star George Michael got his bad self nabbed for drugs. Perhpas like past adventures, he'll release a funky new video about it.

Crappy way to Go

Franklin Paul Crow (pictured) was arrested and accused of fatally beating his roommate with a hammer because they had run out of toilet paper in their home. Aside from that he looks like a nice guy.

The French* Connection

Look into the terrifying face of your new drug dealer!
Puppies are being used to move heroin. (with puppy pics!)

(*poodle)

Smoke em if you Got em.

3 year old lights up. The kind of photos that makes me proud to own Phillip Morris stock.

The Crappening

or if you prefer, Titanic the sequel...

- Patrick Fitzgerald may be asked this week to execute a new charter: investigating G.O.P. treason to make a case for impeachment.
- White house leakers say "W" is losing his mind due to the near-continual crappening of his image. Strong leader my ass, turns out he's just a giant pussy like his dear old dad.
- Sen. George Allen, (Republican - Va.) sensing one of W's slimey evasions, insists those indicted should resign.
- And the Harriet Miers nomination inches closer to defeat.
- Needless death # 2,000 is due anyday now in Iraq.

- As a bonus, creepy, underhanded Christian activist Ralph Reed may get snared in the Tom Delay case.

God it's a good time to be on the right side of things (the liberal and/or moderate side). Nice work, team!

Bush reaches out to Trans-Gender Patriots

Attempting to drum up support for ANYTHING, President Bush trots out a gigantic Tommy Hilfiger poofy flag dress yesterday, July 4th. In an effort to mobilize his trans-gender and homosexual base, and also demonstrating that being a girly-man isn't actually a bad thing, Bush implored those opposed to same-sex marriage to "tone down the heated rhetoric."

"I have a lot of gay friends," Bush stated, "Karl Rove, Scott McLellan, that Cheney kid... and when a friend gets attacked, I don't like it." Bush followed his speech with a parodic rendition of the old showtune classic, twisted for laughs to "Laura, Get Yer Gun."

Mr. Blackwell panned Bush's feeble attempt at propping his flagging poll numbers ""Out of the blue, pops our president, and I’m seeing red - AND stars! It's like being hit with WMD... a wickedly monstrous dress!

"It's just dreary, drab and dour... wake up George, you’re getting worse by the hour!"

(this picture comes to our attention from that traitor, Scott B.)

Spelling Bee kid does Napoleon Dynamite impersonation

That's two great Big Media hacks in one week. First, Anil Dash wears a goatse t-shirt for his NYT photo op, and now this... Ah, to be 13 and on television...

(Warning: If you just moved out of a cave, found an Internerd connection and don't know what goatse is, consider yourself warned. Once you see goatse, you can never unsee goatse.)

Tossing his Salad

Police are looking for two women who sexually assaulted a man with a pair of cooking tongs. Police say the victim awoke Saturday morning with a metal object protruding from his body.

Doctors surgically removed an object identified as "one half of a pair of tongs," and turned it over to police. The victim who was using cocaine at the time, told police he does not remember much of what happened. He had been drinking and using cocaine at his mobile home Friday night when he saw two chicks outside and invited them in.

Do we need a white trash category?

The Sit and Spin Zone w Bill O'Reilly

It's terrific to consider that modern fascists might follow the same career path as evil opportunist Joe McCarthy; a few years of shrill visibility, exposure as a complete hypocrite, followed by that cherished self-destruction.

Can't wait to hear the tapes...

Bitchslap The Monkey

A helper monkey turns on a 2-year old. Reporters are given a cornucopia of hilarious quotes with which to craft an article.

(Please note that it took no fewer than three people to write this story. I can only speculate that while the others were doubled over laughing, one managed to get some notes down.)

Create your own Banter!

The website for the Bush-Cheney campaign featured a create your own banner tool, where you could enter your own slogan and print out your own poster, with the Bush-Cheney logo, and a note at the bottom "paid for by Bush-Cheney '04, Inc." Democrats, of course, couldn't get enough of this. The original sloganator accepted everything, then it started censoring profanity and words like "dictator," and "evil." Nevertheless, many clever folks exploited the sloganator to their own ends before its sad demise only a couple of weeks after its birth, and its mourners assembled some of the best for the slide show.

*Make sure you have your sound on & props out to snoonen.

Classic Houston

In 1988, John Coil created his nonprofit religious corporation, Trinity Christians of America Inc., which operates adult video stores (!) in Louisiana and Texas. Mr. Coil is now in hot water because TCA scammed about $5 million in taxes and has admitted to trafficking in "obscene" materials, namely a video entitled Nympho Bride! Although Trinity Christian never filed a tax return, Coil suspects that actual Christians are behind his woes "because they want to control what other people watch."

Prosecutor Tim Gallagher said "It's not that [the video] portrays sexual conduct; it's that it portrays it in a patently offensive way."
Disgusting! I only like state-approved porn!

At least two dozen adult video stores in cities like San Antonio, El Paso and Houston could be closed within months.
Dang! Where am I going to make some new friends?

The buildings and land will be sold and most of the pornography destroyed.

I think this is my favorite lunatics in Texas story so far...

George Tenet resigns

No need to wait for the next Bush blunder, it's here: Bush has selected someone outside his circle of cronies to take the fall for recent problems. After a meeting last night with Bush, CIA director George Tenet has resigned. But since this admin can never just admit a mistake, it's for "personal reasons." That's how a team led by a chronic liar does things: they want all the benefits of a PR move and none of the accountability. Although they refuse to connect this development to recent scandals, there are plenty to choose from:

- The continued failure of the FBI and CIA to work together.
- The CIA supplying the WMD pretext/lie for the war Bush wanted
- The emerging Chalabi Iran leak scandal
- The scummy Karl Rove leak that Joe Wilsons wife is a CIA agent
- The Abu Ghraib prison torture scandal
- 9/11 intelligence failures. The WMD were not a "slam dunk" as he insisted.

Within the week you can depend on GOP stooges to argue "What do you mean this admin has done nothing about (Scandal X)... George Tenet resigned!"

You can read about the weird way Bush announced it here. Nothing makes me happier than their continued ineptitude. This week should be a disaster for Bush in Europe.
5 months left in this amoral, idiotic presidency.

Hellspawn from the Demon Realm

A home movie for your viewing (and listening) pleasure. Requires Quicktime.

Jay-Z Construction Set

The Jay-Z Construction Set is a toolkit with all of the necessary software and raw materials to create a new remix of Jay-Z's Black Album.

See, rather than fight this trend, I think Jay-Z should come out in support of it. It's like the next logical Information Wants To Be Free-esque step to the Tupac / B.I.G. phenomena of releasing more albums posthumously than they ever did while alive, only Jay-Z ain't dead! He still gets to be one rich mofo with a hot girlfriend!

What are you getting for Xmas ex-Gov Ryan?

harummmph!
An Indictment!

(insert Nelson Muntz laugh here)

Expert Moralist really a Freak

Aaaahh... Will I ever tire of posting stories about hypocritical conservatives exposed as pervs? Well no, probably not... A "reverend" infamous for preaching against homosexuality at Yale, now faces charges that he solicited sex from a teenage boy. He was arrested after he offered $20 to a 14-year-old boy to perform oral sex on him.

"There's a sick satisfaction that someone so preachy is so flawed," a student said. "I'm trying not to be thrilled about it."

One-Term President

I just bought the new Anti-Flag cd...and underneath the album slip-cover, i found this image under there. After a quick google search - I see that they're spreading the word via the web.

Abracadabra... dissappearing magicians

Today while wondering how long that tigers breath will smell like Roy, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what happened with David Blaine's P.R. stunt. What could he be thinking in that glass box, while respectable magicians are being snacked upon? I bet he's pissed off! Did he end his "trick" prematurely? Is he laying low in some Euro-pub?
I mock his shabby magician values.

Also, this entry is the 1st to use the new "mischief" category, which pretty much covers anything you don't agree with.