Bad little kids get the business end of KRAMPUS!

Coal in your stocking, my ass! You gotta love the Germans.

...still believe there's a God? (an atheist provocation)

After the freak death of Christian gospel singer Stephen Chapman's daughter back in May, comes more evidence suggesting that God does not actually give a s*** about his flock*. A 79 year old Oklahoma churchgoer, watching from his parked car with his wife as his church attempted to lift it's new steeple into place... was instead brutally killed when the crane (and the steeple) collapsed on him.

God really has it all under control. He's the king of heaven and he has a taste for sick irony. Hasn't this widow's lifetime of religion been rewarded? Isn't this just the thing to strengthen her faith? It's a big F.U! to the church (and the faithful) from the big guy upstairs, who must be exhausted after killing 90,000 people in the Chinese earthquake and leaving 5 million survivors homeless. God's love is so heart-warming.

So let's open our hymnals to page 170, and sing "O Send me to my Rest with Jesus by Crushing my Sorry Ass under a Giant, Mutli-ton Crane!"

(*I kid, he can't care if he doesn't exist)

Huh. No wonder they're so pissed off.

Saudi Arabia: Awfully difficult to "tap that."

“I’d say that maybe 3 out of 10 nights of numbering,we have some success,” Fahad explained.

“You mean that 3 out of 10 nights you get a girl to talk to you?” I asked.

“No, no,” Fahad laughed. “Maybe 3 out of 10 nights we get one phone number. Getting a girl to actually talk to you on the phone is much rarer. But it happens, so we’re always hoping.”

Notice he didn't say "praying."

Now that's what I call Reform

China has executed it's Food & Drug Chief for bringing shame to the country.
Dang.

Defender of heterosexual marriage and (ahem -----> GOP Senator Vitter diddles prostitutes Hope is... rumors that Dick Cheney is on the DC hooker list will prove true.

The pope has called "Bullshit!" on all non-catholic brands of christianity. Well done popey, christian divisiviness is a secular liberal's best friend.

Why Does God Hate Amputees?

“If God were answering the prayers of amputees to regenerate their lost limbs, we would be seeing amputated legs growing back every day,” the Web site declares, adding: “It would appear, to an unbiased observer, that God is singling out amputees and purposefully ignoring them.”

Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis!

Hail the GOP's Dark Master

The St. Petersburg Times printed an Onion-caliber article today about Rove and Satan's fall plans, as a straight story:

"Satan’s partnership with Rove goes back to 1994, when the two of them teamed up to orchestrate George W. Bush’s first election as governor."

Duuurrr...

Sponsor of bill to display the Ten Commandments in the House and Senate buildings can't name them. Colbert at his finest.

With Sexy Results

Muslim scholars are debating which sex acts are O.K. i.e Although once forbidden, it is assumed that married couples can see each other naked as long as they don't peek at each others plumbing.

For the record:
- The Rusty Trombone is legit.
- A Cleveland Steamer is not.
- No word on the Dirty Sanchez.

Happy Festivus

It's Festivus for the rest of us! Celebrate with the Airing of the Grievances and the Feats of Stregth. Remember, Festivus isn't over until one of us is pinned down.

Order your alumninum Festivus poles here

Nice one, Pope-y!

Although Intelligent Design is promoted by religious nuts as non-religious, Pat Robertson kinda spilled the beans last week by saying the folks of Holcombe PA (who voted out the Intelligent Design Schoolboard) shouldn't pray to God in the event of a disaster because they just kikcked him out of their town.
Whoops Patty didn't get the top-secret memo.

Today the Vatican denounced Intelligent Design as junk science, an unexpected liberal argument from the new conservative Pope.

Maybe they're still smarting for taking until 1983 (!) to forgive Gallileo for saying the earth wasn't the center of the universe.

Can I get an "Amen"?

now go unto the world and spread the word with this

much props to johnny c. for sending this.

Would Jesus flip the bird?

George Bush flippin off the press:

Personally I believe that many in the press probably deserved it (but not for the reasons that G.W. probably did it).

But seriously, would Jesus flip the bird?

G.W. has got to be saying the answer is yes, Jesus would flip the bird. Where does it say that in the bible?

See the whole thing here: http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove/movies/bushflips.mov

Make your own Jebus toast

Want to make some quick cash on ebay? Just brew up some jesus toast with these easy to follow directions.

Virgin Mary Tour '05 hits Chicago

That's right, the Virgin Mary arrived in town earlier this week for an appearance, and is currently playing to a standing room only crowds.

Get there early for the best seats. B.Y.O. candles and rosary beads.

Via Yahoo News

Pope Adolph

I'd just like to go on record as saying that burning papal ballots in the Sistine Chapel is not one of the vaticans brighter ideas.

Miss Germany is in the lead but the swimsuit competition is going to be really tough this year.

God cleans house

Anything with a feeding tube this week

We are idiots!

This is too funny not to share.

Fun at the expense of nutbag Christians

The Golden Calf

Madame Tussaud's Wax Gallery is stirring things up with a nativity scene featuring David Beckham as Joseph and Posh Spice as Mary. Kylie Minogue, Tony Blair, George W. Bush and Samuel L. Jackson also star. "This is worse than bad taste. It is cheap," says some guy at the Vatican® who's aware of a distinction between these terms.

Venerating idols, crucifixes & french toast is still AOK with the Pontiff, despite being explicit no-nos in the good book.

Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese

Grilled Cheese Virgin Mary on eBay

Bidding at $10,000 and rising

Christian Activists, Plan B: Threats

The disintegration of the right is proceeding on schedule. Never having developed social skills, zealots are busy wearing out their welcome.

Christian evangelicals are worried their support for the president might not translate into the instant influence they expected and that their power could be short-lived, given that a number of Republicans who support abortion rights and gay rights are positioning themselves to run in 2008.
(Nelson Muntz: HA ha!)

Some evangelicals warn that the GOP will pay a price in future elections if its leaders do not deliver.
(Talk about empty threats. Somehow I don't see these goofballs throwing their votes away on liberals, to make a point. Sorry nut-jobs, yer stuck with the same lousy 2-party options the liberals have!)

In a letter to Bush sent after the election Bob Jones III, president of the Christian conservative Bob Jones University, urged Bush to eject moderates from the White House: "If you have weaklings around you who do not share your biblical values, shed them. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ."

Link

The Plunge: Specter faces vote of confidence next week

Arlen Specter is making the rounds trying to salvage his position in the new Bush White House after last Wednesday when he voiced the moderate viewpoint that Bush should not try to stack the Supreme Court with pro-lifers.

Next week the GOP will hold a secret vote to see if he still has support to take the senior position as gatekeeper to GOP Supreme Court nominees. It will be a litmus test to see just how much the party has whored themselves to the extremist agenda of the right.

Rightwing Watch
- Textbooks in Texas were withheld last week until a suburban Houston housewife was appeased after insisting that wording be changed to state that marriage was between a man and a woman (not between partners).
- Although a Georgia school district is required to teach evolution, parents want a sticker placed on the Biology textbook that disparages evolution. (Georgia, Cobb County.

The United States has changed its name...

Jesusland!

thanks to Ken W for IMing that to me

Catholic Brilliance

A priest who agitates and lectures his flock that to vote for someone who is pro-choice is a sin, was on NPR this morning.
When asked "Well WAR and the death penalty are the killing of human life too, how can you single out abortion?"
A: "Abortion is fundamental... because we can kill the unborn, of course we can kill each other..."

War makes much more sense to me now. We invade Iraq because my trashy cousin Briittany got knocked up. I don't know why I don't attend church more often. Surely these people have all the answers...

Praise Jesus!

Palatine's Karl Sneider killed and decapitated his mother back in 2003 when he realized she was the devil, which is pretty apparent from her picture. Other details in the story are surely proof that God was working through this young martyr.
Thank God, Satan has been stopped for the time being.

Irradiated Mary full of Grace

The Virgin Mary (right) after getting a new agent and a psychedelic make-over, is now appearing on bigger and better windows. She's probably just offering her approval of the conservative agenda and endorsing a godly, greedy, war-loving America.
Yee-hah! Let's all go kill some Haitians!

Persons unknown (clearly on Satan's payroll) later broke the windows.

Very scary, indeed

John Ashcroft is a certified whackjob. Read this Feb. '04 Vanity Fair article. *shudder*

via boing boing

Minty Fresh Messiah

I'm currently in the computer lab writing my last paper. While searching for a good definition of kitsch, I ran across this site that lists some kitschy religious products you can buy. Remarkably it's a religious site that still has a decent sense of humor!

Empty Tomb Candy Tin

It's a theological conundrum for Christians: You want this tin to be empty so you can celebrate the Risen Lord. On the other hand, who's happy when the last of the Sugar Free Scripture Mints are gone? The implications make the retailer's suggestion to "reuse the tin" all the more troubling.

I also like the Shiva action figure (with Uzi)

Turn to Objective for an Objective Christian Perspective

Oh fer fucks sake, where do we begin? This is perhaps one of the greatest sites EVER. Do not visit until you've got about an hour to kill and are wearing some sort of protection against urinating yourself.

Not to be missed: The Brainwash 'em Early Section, featuring Habu the Hindu elephant, saddened by his inability to keep track of his many gods, and (I'm not kidding) Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew.

Is it ironic that this site's Objective to reclaim Halloween sounds like a Landover Baptist article, a site they are also trying to shut down? (Rallying cry: "He didn't give his life to be mocked.")

Enjoy...

The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heros they see on TV are very enamored with "make believe" and "role playing". This is one of the reasons that Halloween keeps getting more popular every year since it allows them to dress up as their heros. Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes (often cheaply purchased in local retail stores) as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like.

LATEBREAKING UPDATE: DO NOT miss the extra-creepy Baby Jesus (Speakers on, kiddies!)

Please, someone confirm this is all a joke...

via Jimmy Chan

Expert Moralist really a Freak

Aaaahh... Will I ever tire of posting stories about hypocritical conservatives exposed as pervs? Well no, probably not... A "reverend" infamous for preaching against homosexuality at Yale, now faces charges that he solicited sex from a teenage boy. He was arrested after he offered $20 to a 14-year-old boy to perform oral sex on him.

"There's a sick satisfaction that someone so preachy is so flawed," a student said. "I'm trying not to be thrilled about it."

Vatican: condoms don't stop Aids

The Catholic Church is telling people in countries stricken by Aids not to use condoms because they have tiny holes in them through which the HIV virus can pass - potentially exposing thousands of people to risk.

At first this really pissed me off until I realized that one well planned out lawsuit could bring free AIDS drugs to every country across four continents courtesy of the Vatican. Anyone in South Africa feelin' litigious?

Reverse the Curse

(Live on WGN radio) Two guys just tried to get into the Astros - Giants game at Minute Maid Park with a goat. They had a ticket for the goat, but were refused entry, reversing the Billy Goat Curse on the Cubs, as well as hexing the Astros playoff hopes with a rather clever poem.

Christian Goobers find killing 100 percent effective at halting Satan

Restraining a child for an hour till they can't breathe turns out to be a perfectly good way to rid an autistic child of Satan. Strangely, even posessed children seem to require oxygen...
details details...

'Bishop' David Hemphill clears thing up:
�We were asking God to take this spirit that was tormenting this little boy to death,�
- Um, No that would be you that tormented the boy to death.
�We were praying that hard, but not to kill.�
- Cause they only pray to kill on weekdays.
"He just passed away, God is a mysterious person, and if he wants to call a life back, he does."
- Mr Hemphill should talk to a lawyer before issuing any further village-idiot level evasions of culpability.

Well gotta run... there's a witch-dunking before class this morning.

Creationist Science Fair

2nd Place: "Pine Cones Are Complicated"

David Block and Trevor Murry (grades 4) showed how specifically complicated pine cones are and how they reveal God's design in nature.

Your Guide To Scientology (circa 1976)

You, as a Volunteer Minister, are entrusted to help bring to earth this new day, through the religions philosophy and applied technology that is Scientology. The technology of today and tomorrow is Scientology.

Today's society, there are many signs of frenzy and delirium that do not provide a safe, sane environment.

Things you can do as a Volunteer Minister:

• help women who slam their hands in car doors

• help heavy drinkers
  
• find poisoned food!
  
• show hippies that drugs aren't the answer
  
  
  
  via cruel
  
  

Holy Fucking Shit

Iranians protesting religious rule in Iran SET THEMSELVES ON FIRE in France.

Warning: This is seriously burly and disturbing.

Our Lady of Perpetual Envy

Ever since Jebus' recent attention-hogging appearance on a no parking sign, the Virgin Mary has been plotting her comeback. She finally snagged some free P.R. by appearing on a window this week. She appears to be holding the baby Jebus, showing just who's in charge. As far as miracle imagery goes though, this one's pretty good. It's got a monochromatic, abstract quality. Like a Kathe Kollowitz woodblock print! Nice.

The devoted have their own loopy reading of the image, but it's just so much confirmation bias.

Our Father who art in (bump, crunch, crash...)

The 67 year old Roman Catholic bishop of Phoenix was arrested today when police investigating a deadly hit-and-run accident traced a license plate number to his car and found the windshield caved in.

Earlier this month, he escaped indictment for protecting child-molesting priests for a decade or two. Would it have made any difference if this schmoe had spent his life worshipping Satan?

Advice for Satanic Web Page Design

Style is always more important than content in Satanic sites.

Amen, brutha! Err... I mean, isn't that so true?

(via Rini.org, home of the most excellent Iraqi Information Minister 404 page.)

Bible Sex Stories: The untold story behind the Bible's sexiest tales

Tambi�n en espa�ol!

Blow-up Basilica

I'm quite nearly speechless...

I guess if things go really well with your Real Doll� you'd probably feel at home here...

I've been selling Akron short

Now that's some art!

via Same site as our Transformer friend

The Abductee formerly known as Elizabeth

The "prophet" who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart said he considers the girl his wife and wants the 15-year-old to be renamed Remnant Who Will Return. hmmm... ok.
"She is his wife, and he still loves her and knows that she still loves him, that no harm came to her during their relationship and the adventure they went on," said attorney/lunatic Larry Long who considers the girl's nine-month disappearance a "call from God," not a kidnapping.
I sure hope god's phone records can be subpeonaed for the trial.

I'm so glad they cleared this up. My previous ideas about this situation were all wrong. You gotta love magical belief systems (religions) and/or lawyers.

Word is Made Flesh As God Reveals Himself... As a Fish

An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.

_{And the fish said, "I'm a celebrity, get me outta here!"}

_{I think they already made a movie about this:}

via Drudge...

Word is Made Flesh As God Reveals Himself... As a Fish

An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.

_{And the fish said, "I'm a celebrity, get me outta here!"}

_{I think they already made a movie about this:}

via Drudge...

boil, boil, toil, and trouble...

Finally someone has had the good sense to put Wicca-commerce on the web. This site offers spells for every occasion. I'm not naming names but some of you should drop a dime on the "Grow her love" spell.

& Only 19.95 to make someone gay. A bargain! In honor of Valentines day I spent a few bucks and turned some of you gay. If I've done it right, Roberta's party should be a haven of man on man action.

Jesus christ is my witness!

Richard John Adams requested Jesus Christ as his trial attorney during a hearing Wednesday on tampering charges...

Become an ordained minister in 3 minutes flat!

Officiate one wedding... or many weddings! No committments! I'm sorry to everyone for which this is old news... i never knew this was possible.

New 7 Wonders of the World

Feeling like the Gardens of Babylon are sooo ancient history? The Lighthouse of Alexandria? Boooring!

Help pick new Wonders of the World. You can also donate to help rebuild all the Buddha statues the bastard Taliban destroyed.

via kottke

TV Detectors Threaten 8th Century Saint

Germany's television licence fee agency has apologised for sending an angry letter demanding payment from an eighth century saint.

OH... MY... GOD..!

2,200 pages of once-secret church files were released in Boston yesterday revealing tha one priest initiated sexual acts with teenagers preparing to become nuns by encouraging them to believe they were making love to Jesus Christ himself.

Last night, the Rev. Robert V. Meffan admitted it was true, and said he still believes his sexual relationships with teenage girls were "beautiful, spiritual" experiences intended to bring young people closer to God.

"What I was trying to show them is that Christ is human and you should love him as a human being," said Meffan, 73, reached by phone at his Carver home. "Don't think he's up there and he's spiritual and he's not human and physical. He's human, he's physical."
(He needs a blow job...)

"I was trying to get them to love Christ even more intimately and even more closely .... To me they were just wonderful, wonderful young people. It was a very beautiful, I thought, beautiful, spiritual relationship that was physical and sexual."

Satans Birthday

You may have missed a link within Andrews site below, visit this site for helpful Christian ways to turn people away from Satan on Halloween, with "Chick" pamphlets: those little Christian comics you often find left behind on the "L."

A bunch of the testimonials on the site have double meanings:
"A trick or treater (about 12 years old) got his candy and the tract I dropped into his bag. He came back later and asked if we had any more tracts - his dad wanted to read them."
ha ha

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith presents The Brick Testament

Bringing together his LEGO building skills and his profound take on sacred Judeo-Christian writings, Rev. Smith has created a website to display his Brick Testament, a retelling of Bible stories in the medium of LEGO bricks.

The Reverend also has created the LEGO Colosseum, an architectural triumph of the middle Empire period of LEGO Roman history, complete with grand Emperor Bigus Brickus and his wife Incontinentia Buttocks watching gladiators fight alligators, exotic animals and dinosaurs.

via Rick

Jedi 'Religion' Grows in Australia

I wonder how many are Orthodox (Yoda) as opposed to reform (Qui Gon Jinn)?

Catholic Church cries Poor-mouth while writhing on piles of cash.

Phyllis Hutnak was abused by a priest in 1967 when she was 17 years old. Checking tax records around the state, Hutnak said she discovered that her Church owned more than $44 million worth of property in the diocese's name, including a number of sprawling oceanfront mansions in Watch Hill and Narrangansett, R.I.

That property, Church officials said, belongs to the Roman Catholic Bishop of Providence corporation, which they insist is not quite the same thing as belonging to the diocese.

ummmm... ok!

Take that Father Grabby-hands!!! (Bang! Bang!)

Now it's getting really interesting: Vigilante justice in the face of church under-rug-sweeping... A man shot a former Catholic priest who molested him over a three-year period in the 1990s.

"This is retaliation," said Lionel Pauling, 39, who works at a nearby convenience store...the law didn't do what they were supposed to."

One reaction seems to indicate how parishoners feel about this complex issue. Joseph Marine, 89 years old said "They say priests are married to God...and they say God is male. So priests are married to a man? It is a difficult situation."

Sounds like grampa forgot to take his medication.

with you always - revisited

someone has taken the initiative to give captions to the 'with you always' jebus pictures.

ATTENTION US PATRIOTS! REGISTER NOW!

via Mr. Barrett

WITH YOU ALWAYS

weird...very weird...

"The enclosed images are from 11x14 pencil drawings that are the result of an undertaking that began on Thanksgiving Day, 1987. I was awakened in the middle of the night with a clear, vivid impression that the Lord wanted me to do some special drawings -- drawings depicting ordinary people in their everyday environment . . . . with one important addition: the presence of Jesus Christ and His involvement in those routine activities."

via spacegirl

You're Welcome...

Saudis voiced outrage Wednesday at a U.S. decision to let American servicewomen discard the flowing black robes they previously had to wear outside U.S. military bases in the conservative Muslim kingdom. "That means that they will be breaking our laws and that they are looking for trouble," said a Saudi businessman.

"There must be no exceptions in enforcing the Islamic dress code in Saudi streets. No one of any nationality is exempt in the eyes of religion," another official said.

"...if some American women want to deliberately challenge our local customs, then you'll see a clash, especially with the mutawaeen," he said, referring to stick-wielding religious police who roam Saudi streets to enforce Islamic codes.

Thoughts?

god is good...islam bad?

Two American citizens, rescued earlier this month after being detained four months in Afghanistan, returned to the United States on Sunday. Heather Mercer and Dayna Curry thanked God for their freedom and said they would repeat the experience if given the chance.

"It's a wonderful story about prayer, about the faith that can sustain people in good times and in bad times," Bush said

This story really bugs the hell out of me. Here we are attacking an Islamic nation but the whole time we have our president thanking god. What about the muslims and buddhists and the satanists who live here too? No wonder they want a jihad.

Get Your War On

Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Don't ask...just go...

via Swallowing Tacks

God Bless our Truckers

This fine piece of art is something for every American, every Trucker, every Trucker Lover, and every deadbeat worker working a deadbeat job and in need of a daily dose of humor.

via Disturbing Auctions Dot Com

God Clarifies Don't Kill Rule

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

via J. Gruszka

Saudi Arabia cuts diplomatic ties with the Taliban

The Taliban official, Mohammad Hussein Mostassed, told the Qatar-based news channel Al Jazeera that a clash with the United States would be a clash of values.

"The Americans are fighting so they can live and enjoy the material things in this life. But we are fighting so we can die in the cause of God," he said.

What are these guys going to do when the vast majority of the Muslim world leave them behind? (Or have they already?) How long before Pakistan cuts diplomatic ties with them?

I suppose that we can consider ourselves very lucky that our religious wackos' favorite pastimes include sticking their foot in their mouth, as opposed to sanctioning terrorism...

Update
Here's another article (via the excellent one.point.zero) from the Telegraph entitled "The Americans love Pepsi Cola, but we love death." Lovely. I'm sorry, but what the fuck is wrong with these people? I can understand abhoring the U.S. for being a global bully. I can understand other nations being pissed off at our government for the many stupid, duplicitous, and hypocritical foreign policies we've managed to spew out over the decades. I'm not trying to say the U.S. doesn't have innocent blood on its hands. But it doesn't sound like these nutjobs are interested in making this world a better place. It seems like they're really into death and carnage and pain for everyone, including themselves.

"War is our best hobby. The sound of guns firing is like music for us. We cannot live without war. We have no other way except jihad"

Oh, and by the way, I hate Pepsi.

Brian Brindley

BRIAN BRINDLEY, who has died aged 69, was a flamboyant Anglo-Catholic canon whose extravagant tastes would have been more easily accommodated in Renaissance Rome than in the postwar Church of England.

< snip >

His house in Brighton was, if anything, even more sumptuously decorated than the Royal Pavilion, on which it was partly modelled (and on whose owner he partly modelled himself). Brindley spent vast sums of money reproducing the Pavilion's exquisite chinoiserie, and commissioned a splendid panoramic mural of the building extending over three drawing room walls.

He died surrounded by a dozen of his closest friends, celebrating his 70th birthday at a seven-course dinner at the Athenaeum; he suffered a heart attack between the dressed crab and the boeuf en croute.

< snip >

This obit is must-reading, en-toto, for all House8 members. There'll be a test Monday.

Church-goers are a drag

church-goer plays hooky and finds that congregations are the "unfriendliest people." dur...

Morman Rules for Kissing

"Which one of you boys would like to eat a sandwich where your boy friend had licked all the butter off?"