sign of the apocalypse
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09 May 2008 |
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The 260-foot-deep sinkhole appeared and grew to the length of three football fields over just two days. The 900-foot-long sinkhole, with crumbling dirt around its edges resembling sharp teeth, has swallowed up oil tanks and barrels, tires, telephone poles and several vehicles in Daisetta, TX.
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25 Mar 2008 |
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The "Cruzin' Cooler" is being advertised via radio, and I'm unable, as a consumer, to understand why I want to ride a cooler anywhere, let alone through piles of snow. I am however willing to pay for the inventor to get steriilzed.
Maybe it's like that old saying about locking a bunch of monkeys in a roomful of broken gadgets for eternity.
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09 Feb 2008 |
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Have you noticed a lack of biblical verse describing heaven (and hell) as it's ususally depicted? Well, they're ain't any! Heaven as place... hell as place... winged angels... sitting around on puffy clouds being passive and shooting the crap... halos... it's all so much hoo-hah says some guy who knows better.
Instead heaven seems to be about waiting around for essentially infinity, for the end of the world. Ho hum. I'm picturing some ambitious priest/shyster in 1500 A.D. saying, "I can't talk crowds into a lifetime of surrendering their control and their cash with that." So we sample a little of Dante's fantasies of Heaven, Purgatory and Hell, we take Michelangelo's Last Judgment, Judaisms heaven ideology and Greek-speaking Christians fatalist ideas and toss them all together in some hopelessly off-target religious casserole.
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12 Nov 2007 |
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well, if you wanted to escape reality, you might want to reconsider heading to second life, now hosting the
CNN I-Report hub. If you are bored silly, virtual Larry King is interviewing virtual Oprah about the rumored abuses at her virtual school. eckkk.
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11 Jun 2007 |
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A Pentagon secret-weapon program has been disclosed: "The Ohio Air Force lab proposed 7.5 million for research into a bomb that would cause enemy soliders to become gay, and to have their units break down because all their soldiers became irresistably attractive to one another." Perhaps as a bonus they'd all go to hell for being gay, leaving heaven for just god-loving heterosexuals.
Ohio is a real center of sexual expertise. This bomb makes perfect sense, since, as in heterosexuality where every woman is attracted to every man (and vice-versa), every gay man must want to do every other gay man. Every gay man craves Colin Farrell, Charles Nelson Reilly AND Bruce Villanch. Chemistry... looks... none of that figures into it.
Ever get the feeling that the ability to think has been bred out of our capitalist paradise?
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07 Nov 2006 |
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Firefighting foam may be used to kill diseased chickens quickly.
Say, that's just the kind of news me and my livestock need. Hand-strangling my chickens isn't as much fun as it once was.
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24 Oct 2006 |
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Following in the footsteps of Florida and Ohio, this years contenders for "State Most Likely to Erupt in Voter Irregularities" that will miraculously favor Bush.
- Missouri: Democrat Claire McCaskill vs. incumbent Republican Sen. Jim Talent
- New Jersey: Incumbent Democratic Sen. Bob Menendez vs. Republican Tom Kean Jr.
- Tennessee: Republican Bob Corker vs. Democratic Rep. Harold Ford Jr.
- Virginia: Incumbent Republican Sen. George Allen vs Democrat Jim Webb
- Rhode Island: Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse has opened a slight lead over incumbent Republican Sen. Lincoln Chafee
These are also important, but seem to clearly favor Dems, so are less likely to be in contention:
- Washington: Incumbent Democratic Sen. Maria Cantwell has increased her sizable lead over Republican challenger Mike McGavick
- Pennsylvania: Republican Sen. Rick Santorum is well behind his Democratic challenger Bob Casey
- Ohio: Incumbent Republican Sen. Mike DeWine has fallen behind Democratic Rep. Sherrod Brown
- Montana: Incumbent Republican Sen. Conrad Burns is now in a virtual tie with Democratic challenger Jon Tester
But, no complaining when the GOP is off the hook for the remainder of Bush's presidency. If two elections have been stolen, and nothing's been contested in more than 5 years... then (yadda, yadda, yadda).
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25 Sep 2006 |
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28 Jul 2006 |
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A Bitish study indicates that more Americans are too fat for x-rays. Previously we were only too fat for ambulances.
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25 Jul 2006 |
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....tougher zombie laws.
Six friends on their way to a zombie party, spruced up in fake blood and tattered clothing, were arrested in downtown Minneapolis on suspicion of toting "simulated weapons of mass destruction," and striking fear into the hearts of good, fear-primed Minneapolites.
The good police of Minneapolis say the group were carrying bags with wires sticking out, making it look like a bomb, while meandering their way to a "zombie dance party." "They were arrested for behavior that was suspicious and disturbing," said some cop.
What was this great nation of ours founded for, if not to protect us all from "zombies?" What if the terrorists had dressed up as zombies and used that as a ruse to blow up beautiful cosmopolitan Minneapolis? Only the GOP can save us on this issue.
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09 May 2006 |
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Neo-conservative Rupert Murdoch to hold fundraiser for Hillary Clinton.
Before you go thinking the world is completely topsy turvy, rest assured, gay cannibalism is still illegal.
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15 Mar 2006 |
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Seriously, when I first watched this, I thought it was a clever edit job. Unfortunately this is not the case.
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01 Jan 2006 |
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So, these two iconic Chicago drinking and dining establishments are gone forever.
2006 already sucks.
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12 Jun 2005 |
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I slept through a 5.9 quake this morning.
Do not use jpeg as your early warning system.
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27 Nov 2004 |
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Bush searching for Bin Laden is kinda like OJ searching for Nicole's real killer.
Now that the country re-elected the man who will make us all safer, why bother looking for the man who will make us all suffer?
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04 Nov 2004 |
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Jesusland!
thanks to Ken W for IMing that to me
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20 Oct 2004 |
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The Horsemen are mounting up...
See also: Nike's Fenway ad.
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16 Jul 2004 |
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I'm not sure how, but I'm certain we're responsible for this.
Thanks Ryan, I think.
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12 Jul 2004 |
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A few years ago, I was at a party in the Hamptons where then-phenom Sisqo was giving a live performance. As the diminutive Dru Hill'er performed the sexed-up "Got To Get It," I realized that Star Jones was standing next to me, backing that thing up to a male companion. It was disturbing, but not as disturbing as this (page 2, but the whole thing is amazing). Make it stop make it stop make it stop!
(BTW, this is a bookmark if I've ever seen one)
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29 Feb 2004 |
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Please don't make me witness the Lord of the Rings Best Picture Oscar and the reelection of George Bush in the same year.
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10 Feb 2004 |
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After criticizing the Bush administration over its handling of Iraqi WMD intelligence on "Good Morning America", O'Reilly then called his own show, interrupted, shouted at and belittled himself, and then cut himself off and hung up on himself.
Okay, so that last part didn't really happen.
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07 Jan 2004 |
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Cable TV made a West Bend man addicted to TV, caused his wife to be overweight and his kids to be lazy, he says.
And he’s threatening to sue the cable company.
Timothy Dumouchel of West Bend wants $5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter Communications to settle what he says will be a small claims suit.
Dumouchel blames Charter for his TV addiction, his wife’s 50-pound weight gain and his children’s being “lazy channel surfers,” according to a Fond du Lac police report.
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19 Dec 2003 |
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A group of buyers that included Harry Caray's widow Dutchie bought the ball, and will destroy it on Feb. 26th during the annual toast to Harry.
Steve Bartman will be invited to the ceremony.
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16 Dec 2003 |
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From March 4 to Nov. 27, 2002, one Adams County highway cleanup crew picked up 2,666 jugs of urine and 67 bags with human excrement in them.
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30 Nov 2003 |
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SPRINGFIELD - A 39-year-old man born as Raymond Allen Gray Jr. is sporting a new legal name: Bubba Bubba Bubba.
For years, he considered changing his legal name to Bubba Gray. But workplace banter led him to think about taking a name change even further.
"You ever seen the 'Brady Bunch' show?" Bubba asked by way of explanation.
In one episode, a character on the program complained about "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia." That's also the name of one of his co-workers at the Illinois secretary of state's office, so he teased her by reciting that phrase. She, in turn, called him "Bubba, Bubba, Bubba."
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24 Nov 2003 |
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Oh fer fucks sake, where do we begin? This is perhaps one of the greatest sites EVER. Do not visit until you've got about an hour to kill and are wearing some sort of protection against urinating yourself.
Not to be missed: The Brainwash 'em Early Section, featuring Habu the Hindu elephant, saddened by his inability to keep track of his many gods, and (I'm not kidding) Hopsiah the Kanga-Jew.
Is it ironic that this site's Objective to reclaim Halloween sounds like a Landover Baptist article, a site they are also trying to shut down? (Rallying cry: "He didn't give his life to be mocked.")
Enjoy...
The unsaved youths today with their Power Rangers and Peekachoos and other secular heros they see on TV are very enamored with "make believe" and "role playing". This is one of the reasons that Halloween keeps getting more popular every year since it allows them to dress up as their heros. Satan uses these seemingly innocent secular costumes (often cheaply purchased in local retail stores) as gate-way costumes for the more blatantly occult garb: witches, monsters, demons, Darth Mauls, and the like.
LATEBREAKING UPDATE: DO NOT miss the extra-creepy Baby Jesus (Speakers on, kiddies!)
Please, someone confirm this is all a joke...
via Jimmy Chan
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08 Oct 2003 |
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Mike Y.: "Well, I guess we get what we ask for. I hope he does something to stop the cyborgs."
(I get bonus points for spelling "Schwarzenegger" correctly without peeking.)
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18 Sep 2003 |
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"They'd rather have an assisted suicide, but because of the way the laws are written, they can't do it," [the singer] said in an interview Wednesday morning... "So, bringing dying with dignity to the forefront is really what it's all about."
"If it's a stunt, then they have very right to perform this stunt on stage," a city council member added. "If somebody loses their life, they will be prosecuted as conspirators."
Q sez they got an act, but it ain't G.G. Allin
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09 Sep 2003 |
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Federal officials are investigating how a man managed to hide inside a crate that was flown by a major cargo carrier from New York to Dallas, Texas.
Charles McKinley wanted to go to his father's house in Dallas and decided to "ship himself rather than pay for a ticket," said Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman Suzanne Luber.
McKinley secured himself in the crate, apparently with some help, along with his computer and some clothes.
He was arrested on outstanding warrants when the terrified delivery guy called the cops. I don't know about you, but I'm glad we're spending all this money to make the skies safer. Sheesh.
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08 Sep 2003 |
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Obsessed self promoter Blaine brings out the worst in the British.
With airfares at historic lows, more than one House8 member is sure to be thinking,"Hmmm, THAT'S not alot of money for a shot at David Blaine."
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29 Aug 2003 |
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I don't even know where to start with this one. The prospect of wireless communication in such close proximity to raving lunatics, soaked in urine, eating griddled cow rectum? This should go over as well as the McCafe.
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27 Aug 2003 |
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I was so fucking mad that Santa Claus died, but I knew I'd feel better once I called the Swearline.
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07 Aug 2003 |
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As if Arnold Schwarzenegger's being talked about as a "serious contender" in the California gubernatorial race isn't weird enough, several others have also thrown their hats into the race: columnist Arianna Huffington, Larry Flynt, and Gary Coleman... that's right, Gary Coleman. I can't understand why it is that people have this impression of California as a bunch of freaks...
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05 Aug 2003 |
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28 Jul 2003 |
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KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysian (Reuters) -- Malaysian Muslim men can divorce their wives through text messages on mobile telephones...
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27 Jul 2003 |
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Better still . . . he's an elderly Elvis who, with the help of a black JFK, battles an evil mummy. If you see one movie this year, see this one 12 times. Starts Oct.17 at Landmark Century.
via Carl
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21 Jul 2003 |
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In Northwest Arkansas, Bull Shoals Lake is a major attraction. But there is another "bull" that is getting more attention. His name is Lurch and he's a 1400 pound Watusi Steer.
Nothing odd about that until you see his record winning horns. They are 37.5 inches around. That's bigger than the average man's waist. From tip to tip, they're over 7 feet long. That's taller than the average NBA player. So big, Lurch recently landed the title of World's largest horns in the "Guiness Book Of World Records."
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18 Jul 2003 |
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67 Goats Die In Blaze
LOS ANGELES -- A fire apparently started when a pile of manure spontaneously ignited scorched a 1-acre Mojave Desert property Tuesday, killing 67 goats.
A neighbor reported the fire Wednesday afternoon and arriving firefighters found a 150--by-20-foot structure and a grassy area ablaze, fire Inspector Ed Osorio said. The fire was extinguished in about 20 minutes.
All the goats on the property were killed, Los Angeles County Animal Care and Control spokeswoman Paula Gerken said. The animals were dead by the time firefighters arrived, Osorio said.
Gerken said the property was a rural residence where the goats were kept in a pen.
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16 Jul 2003 |
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Biniki is an intimate wear item, inspiring creative applications of functional, yet sensual support.
To me, it's fuckin' goofy.
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09 Jun 2003 |
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MONKEYPOX is usually transmitted to people from squirrels and primates through a bite or contact with the animal's blood....and it has the best disease name ever!
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04 Jun 2003 |
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The Federal Communications Commission is scheduled to vote this week to lift a ban on companies or individuals owning both a newspaper and a television or radio station in the same city. Led by its three Republican members, including Chairman Michael Powell (son of Secretary of State Colin), the commission will also most likely raise the television station ownership cap. That would allow media firms to own outlets that in total can reach 45 percent of the national audience, up from 35 percent now.
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29 May 2003 |
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The half-hour program was developed after research showed that one-third of cats enjoy watching television, said Ira Cohen, marketing director for Meow Mix.
So wrong. So completely and utterly wrong.
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22 May 2003 |
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10 May 2003 |
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"It's an important personal piece of music for him, a piece of art," spokesman Dennis Dennehy said Friday. "He doesn't mind him doing the song, (but) he didn't want to change kids' visual perception on what that image was. He wanted to make sure the image would remain intact."
Eminem, you're fourteen minutes and forty five seconds in. Anything else you wanna do before fifteen?
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07 May 2003 |
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CREDIT: Nick Didlick, National Post
There's so much wrong with this story, not the least of which is the choice of the photographer the paper sent to make a picture of the happy couple.
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01 May 2003 |
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Who ever said super models were stupid?
Better yet, who ever said Gary Coleman was stupid, or that his career was over?
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29 Apr 2003 |
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When Elizabeth Smart went missing in Utah, the National Enquirer published details of alleged salacious sexual antics involving her family, based on help from two local reporters, who split a $20,000 fee for the info.
On Sunday the reporters' paper, the Salt Lake City Tribune published a letter from the Editor which the Enquirer found libelous and now threatens a lawsuit over.
The reporters, whose resignations were rejected, have now been fired.
Anyone wonder why the media in this country is despised by so many?
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27 Mar 2003 |
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A small provision in the Homeland Security Act is having unintended consequences for boys and their toys.
Meanwhile, Drones See, Smell Evil From Above
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26 Mar 2003 |
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Paul Rand is probably on spin dry about now...
New business model: Deliveries, Orders, Wares and Nicieites
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21 Mar 2003 |
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(drum roll)
Harvard! Found out Monday night - St Patty's day will never be the same. See! they do let broke, unemployed people with no connections in!
Off to Boston April 4th to kick the tires...
Thanks to everyone for my enrollment at Drop Your Pants U too. I'm cramming for my liquor exam as we speak.
