UK RFID Passports: Cracked
Gee, what a surprise. Apparently it took all of 48 hours.
"The reader - I bought one for £250 - has to say hello to the chip and tell it that it is authorised to make contact. The key to that is in the date of birth, etc. Once they communicate, the conversation is encrypted, but I wrote some software in about 48 hours that made sense of it.
"The Home Office has adopted a very high encryption technology called 3DES - that is, to a military-level data-encryption standard times three. So they are using strong cryptography to prevent conversations between the passport and the reader being eavesdropped, but they are then breaking one of the fundamental principles of encryption by using non-secret information actually published in the passport to create a 'secret key'. That is the equivalent of installing a solid steel front door to your house and then putting the key under the mat."
Resume Skills
Can you fit 259 drinking straws in your mouth like Austrian Marco Hort ?
I feel safer already
A Homeland Security report exposes some rather skewed "potential target" data, and the great state of Indiana is at the top of the list of potential terrorist targets by state.
The National Asset Database, as it is known, is so flawed, the inspector general found, that as of January, Indiana, with 8,591 potential terrorist targets, had 50 percent more listed sites than New York (5,687) and more than twice as many as California (3,212), ranking the state the most target-rich place in the nation.
Now, Graf and I have always joked that we'd love it if "they just got rid of Indiana" during the drive from Chicago to Cleveland, but I never realized there was government funding studying the potential... Maybe it's all those fireworks stores? Casinos? KKK members? All those damned Amish?
Some other high-level targets inlcude:
- A petting zoo in Woodville, Ala.
- Mule Day Parade in Columbia, Tenn.
- “Nix’s Check Cashing”
(Ed. That's where MCA does all his "phony-paper-passin'")
- etc.
Man, that's some shitty coffee.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Toss two more bodies on the pile
I wonder how these two twenty-five year olds (found dead this morning) felt as barb-wire ripped their throats open in Iraq. I'm sure their last thoughts were "Well it's for a good cause. The rich need the oil"
Meanwhile the Bush White House has started the next Cuban Missile Crisis.
And Japan says Sayonara to the Coalition of the Wobbly
Flushing Meadows
The airport bathroom at Ft Smith Arkansas has been selected as the #1 bathroom in this years Best Restroom in America Awards.
I went number two in #5, the restrooms at the Madonna Inn back in November.
5 feet of Stank
Is that big stinking flower in your pocket...
Worst Jobs 2005.
Radio Item from a few minutes ago.
"...an islamic jihad militant and his assistant were killed in Iraq today..."
By coincidence Assistant Islamic Jihad Militant is the top worst job of 2005, edging out last years worst job, assistant crack whore..
Am I just juvenile?
Or is this headline kinda funny?
HO. LEE. FUCK.
How. How did we manage to elect (I'd say "twice," but...) such a complete fucking moron? HOW?
Remarks by President Bush During Briefing on Hurricane Katrina.
We've got a lot of rebuilding to do. First, we're going to save lives and stabilize the situation. And then we're going to help these communities rebuild. The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)
I am utterly disgusted and embarrassed that this waste of flesh is the President of our country. I feel sorry for Trent Lott getting dragged into such an insane statement.
U.S. Rejects Ukraine Election Results
How can anyone not see the irony in this:
In a news briefing at the State Department, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell delivered a sharp rebuke to the Ukrainian authorities who today declared Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych the winner of a run-off election Sunday that Ukrainian protesters and foreign observers said was marred by fraud.
"We cannot accept this result as legitimate, because it does not meet international standards and because there has not been an investigation of the numerous and credible reports of fraud and abuse," Powell said.
Read the story at washingtonpost.com
GOP: Let's Empty the Treasury!
In a cynical, obnoxious attempt to buy votes, Bush signed yet ANOTHER tax cut today for 136 billion dollars. Just as you can't bring hearings on candidates within 30 days of an election, autocratic asshole Presidents should be prohibited from making any tax cuts for several months before an election.
An American Comedy: Act IV
I am laughing my ass off over the flu vaccine debacle. After 4 years of evil & trampling the constitution, seniors are finally up in arms over a fucking flu shot!!!! Bush is going to lose votes over the God-damned flu lottery. ??!!
Todays' development: Prisoners are getting their flu shots while seniors are losing their minds over this.
This is classic comedy.
"Your testicles are an invaluable source of pleasure to you, your loved ones, and your whole family! But what do you know about your firm, pendulous bringers of life?"
This reminded me of my favorite camp song:
Scrotum, scrotum, s-c-r-o-t-u-m.
Scrotum, scrotum, without it you would be a femme...
Shaggy, baggy, covered with hair...
What would you do if it weren't there?
(you get the idea)
This 2nd grade moment brought to you by my friend Erica.
New Pickup Makes Hummer Look Rather Puny
Just what the world needs: another way-too-big, gas guzzling, monstrosity of an SUV on the road.
"It's a super head-turner," said Ken Wallace, an International dealer in Fort Myers, Fla., who has been driving one for about two weeks. "Other motorists hang out of their cars to take pictures of it."
But does anybody really need a vehicle that is nine feet tall, eight feet wide, 21 1/2 feet long and gets about seven miles on a gallon of diesel?
I think not.
p.s. How about an "environment" category up in here?
Bombs Away!
Anyone who remembers the disastrous end to 2002's theater-audience-held-hostage incident kind of expected Russia to roll out it's exhausted, old-school, sack-of-hammers process to solve this weeks 'captive' school crisis. Like clockwork they countered with loads of un-nuanced, dumb force... and 350 bodies (admitted so far) are piling up.
Putin is taking licks and apologized today, but his remarks ("We demonstrated our weakness, and the weak are beaten!") points towards an even more brutal bloodbath next time. It can't be long till he decides to "save" the next hostages from a long horrible captivity by having the army just kill everyone outright.
If you had heart disease Putin would probably suggest amputating your torso.
More strategy, not more power.
Russia: the very worst place to be a hostage.
See! Conservatives can be witty too!
Not to be...um...out-snarked, you right-leanin' folks can wear dumb t-shirts too!
This has got to be my favorite. I suppose it's at least honest.
Of course it is still a free country and you're allowed to look like an idiot if you want. Ahem...
The Warren Report Redux
The 9-11 commission are selling the limp, no-account conclusions of their report all over the airwaves today. It illustrates the country's unwavering faith in institutions teeming with ineffective white men who look grave while spouting drivel and take/assign no responsibility.
To help calibrate your moral guage:
- Tenuous suggestions that Saddam might have a bomb are absolutley conclusive enough to pre-emptively invade a country, and kill 8000 people.
- Ten or twelve major blown opportunities to prevent 9-11 are no one's fault.
Don't you hate when you spend $40 billion on intelligence and you only get thirty buck worth of groupthink? With drones like these who needs enemies?
All the intelligence community should give their salaries back for the last five years to help repay for the damage they "weren't responsible for."
The Kids Are Wacky For That Dodgeball!
Art imitating art?
Well, maybe not, but damn! does GSN's Extreme Dodgeball look like some seriously awful television. The TiVo has been set.
Note that Zach Selwyn, the fan's consensus winner of ESPN's Dream Job is one of the hosts. He'll also soon be the new host of Around The Horn, that other ESPN show where sports writers yell at each other for 30 minutes.
Which begs the question, what the hell happened to the guy that actually won Dream Job? Is he makin' coffee for creepy eyebrow cartoon character Stuart Scott? Apparently he's been working graveyard on ESPNEWS.
Enjoy this mind-numbing performance by everyone's favorite little person.
via one.point.zero
Code Cynical
New chatter indicates a forthcoming terrorist attack. They must be laughing and toasting each other today at the White House on how easy it was to bump the abuse scandal out of the headlines. So why did't we change threat levels on the the big terror thermometer? They say it's because we don't have any info on where, when, or how it will happen.
Logically then the description for Code Red "Severe risk of Terrorist Attack" should be changed to "Terrorist Attack has Already Happened & You're Dead," because that's the likeliest time we'll know precisely the where, when and how of an attack. Apparently the admin thinks the terrorists will share the info once they decide.
I hope this news is as trustworthy as the WMD info.
Have we ever been at red? We've never been at blue "general threat" or green "low threat." This is a terrifically useless device that only a politican could have come up with.
Save me
While you'd be surprised how unlike the stereotype the south is (Well... Houston), social Darwinism is thriving down here. My 3 favorite current local stories:
* A man was found burned to death with his nipples cut off and the idiot police decided it was suicide!!! The family insists he was tortured and killed, since noone in recorded history has cut their nipples off to kill themselves.
* 2 weeks after the nutcase who stoned two of ther three children to death was found not guilty, another woman killed her baby in a microwave
* A guy survived a car accident on an elevated highway, got out of his car to sit on a guard rail, then fell 50 feet to his death.
Caution: Continued Navel-Gazing Ahead
Hobo wives and synchro swimmers, step the fuck off. You ain't got shit on Bow wow...
It seems ashley(aka Shad's girl) has the comment "Post" button set to "auto-fire."
Easy there, ashley! You're gonna wear out your mouse!
Audacity on top of audacity
Last week Bush tried to further his career with the shameless use of WTC footage in his campaign ads. You'd have to be an evil, stupid ass to exploit the event for personal gain, but...
This week his ads show an anonymous middle-eastern face under the narration ...terrorism is a form of racial profiling." which has for good reason offended middle-eastern Americans, although it should offend anyone who values moderation, reality or progress.
1) The only time conservatives acknowledge racism is when they can say white people are its victim. To right-wing assholes, only white people feel the sting of racism! Other races are just complainers.
2) The Bush team defended the ads saying that the actor is Italian (?). Did the fucking Italians crash planes into the WTC? Did we go to war because the fucking Italians were a threat, with their imaginary "weapons of mass destruction?"
Un-fucking-believable! I can't believe the bait-and-switch arguing style that these people get away with. Bush's most recent speech is 100 percent lies. Josef Goebbels would be proud.
Punch his face off
I have a dollar for anyone who gets within punching distance of Ralph Nader, the silly ass.
BREAKING NEWS!
Courts to rule on whether or not Texas is retarded!
(Apologies to Texans. I know you...er...y'all have that rule about not messing with it.)
Hamburgers, hamburgers, potato salad, watermelon!
Possibly the greatest video link since Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!
Bikini'd models cavorting with various types of lunchmeats and dancing around like idiots. Off Boing Boing, so chances are you'll have to be patient. It is worth the wait.
Happy Friday.
Because Conservatives care...
...as long as you pretend you believe in their values. Machiavellian George Bush wants to spend $1.5 billion to talk the poor into getting married so he can funnel millions into religious organizations that provide premarital and marriage counseling. Religiously sanctified boning among the poor will help the douchebag sleep at night...
The usual crap: Programs that counsel gay and lesbian couples would be excluded.
Soon he'll legislate everything off TV except the Donna Reed Show and Leave it to Beaver, to move the country back to the 50's.
Mercy...
When I get out of school I'm going to buy a gun and leave it with you guys so one of you can shoot me if I ever get to the age that "crazy-hat bingo" sounds like a good time.
Let's face it...
Some activities just don't lend themselves to trophy figures, as in these atrocities.
or 
Where's my three-legged-race trophy?
DUMB CRIMINALS
A Miami man robbed two banks then fled on foot. He was caught when he sat down to rest. He told police he robbed the banks because "I'm too ugly to get a job."
--- snip ---
Animals contributed to the weird news. A Live Oak man picked up a plant at a Wal-Mart and a moccasin hiding in the pot bit him. He spent two weeks in the hospital. The snake was stomped to death.
--- snip ---
The owner of a 300-pound Emu that escaped its pen near DeFuniak Springs had a warning for anyone who might come across the flightless bird: "I don't want to be held liable if that sex-crazed thing does something to somebody."
--- snip ---
Among random strangeness, a 40-year-old man was caught impersonating 29-year-old Creed guitarist Mark Tremonti in a scam that earned him free drinks and hotel rooms on Clearwater Beach. He was arrested as he signed autographs for fans and told police, "You have to admit I do look like the guy from Creed."
--- snip ---
A Port Charlotte woman hit an alligator in her Honda Accord and tried to save it. But she crashed her car when the 6-foot reptile began to thrash around in the back seat. She was charged with possession of an alligator, a felony in Florida.
There are some odd videos too...
NO! I'm the victim!
Minnesotan Elroy Myron Stock is obsessed with ferrreting out interracial couples and sending them over 100,000 anonymous hate letters. Recently the U.S. Postal Service exposed him. He lost his job and began to get a taste of what he had been giving -- anonymous communications calling him a racist and a hater.
Stock doesn't understand why people are angry at him. Apparently he was expecting Thank You notes and gifts from the couples.
Stock is an 81 year old virgin bachelor, "I've never had sex relations in my life. I wasn't against it, but you've got to only do that in marriage." Call me a Freudian, but don't repressed sexual urges usually translate into some other maladaptive interest? Somebody get this man 60 years of sex, pronto!
Mr Binnington took a firm line against Blaine's stunt: "He's a bit of a nutter, isn't he? He just wants to be the next Jesus. This isn't entertainment at all. It's bad taste - Bobby Sands and all that."
I hope there isn't another Steve Bartman living in Chicago
The Smoking Gun outs Chicago's #1 fan.
The Fan
Green turtleneck.
The interest in David Blaine remains largely unexplained.
This article claims his 'people' are in a panic.
< yawn >
I don't lump all straight guys together nor do I think there is some unified straight viewpoint, but...I'm wondering if any of you have any insight.
Why do ostensibly straight football players sodomize their teammates with golf balls and pine cones?
This kind of story urns up often enough to make me think that big tough straight football jocks are really just closet-case butt-pirates.
I'm very confused.
Two Local Items of Interest
I was so fucking mad that Santa Claus died, but I knew I'd feel better once I called the Swearline.
Hey Chris! You thought Galaga was annoying? Wait 'til I got hippos bellowing on my phone. Yee haw!
via boing boing
Personally I think recalling Gray Davis after 8 months in office is just plain dumb. But, if they're gonna do it, I hope they elect Gary Coleman:
"Hello there, this is Gary Coleman, It is 3:30 on Friday. I'm stuck in Friday traffic in my car, getting ready to pull out my hair. But maybe this is something I can fix as governor. ... I am probably the most unqualified person to run for governor, but I'm willing to do it as a goof if you are. But then I need to know something: Whose ass do I kick if I actually win? Because that means I'm gonna have to move up to Sacramento -- the armpit of California -- and administer this state back to some kind of solvency."
Uh huh huh...he said uvula... heh huh uh heh
Words that sound dirty, but aren't.
via the morning news
Useful (?) Photoshop tutorial for acheiving that "Bling Bling" effect all those rapper guys are always talking about. Bookmark it for your next redesign of the St. Lunatic's website, or creating the word mark for your neighborhood up-and-coming rap artist.
Yeah, I think it's time for a redesign...
via more like this
Don't hate me.
[ Fair warning: If you click the link you'll end up having to force quit your browser after the link runs it's course. This warning courtesy of cranky j p e g.]
Pure Unadulterated Evil.
The developers of the Bowlingual dog translator device have continued their quest to bridge an understanding between different species with the introduction of Meowlingual, which they claim translates cat cries into human language.
---- snip ----
The dog translator was awarded the 2002 Ig Nobel Peace Prize for promoting harmony between the species by the US humor magazine Annals of Improbable Research. (Mainichi Shimbun, Japan, July 16, 2003)
DIXON A 33-year-old man faces felony aggravated battery charges for tossing a water balloon at U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Yorkville.
--- snip ---
Allen said in court he didn't know Hastert was driving the truck. Lee County Judge Tomas Magdich reprimanded Allen for not recognizing Hastert.
"He is third in line to the presidency of the United States. You won't forget it next time, will you?" Magdich told Allen.
Read up, men of house8, there's going to be an exam...
This is actually a very funny article, from The Sun, of course
To show Chicago's commitment to... (art, kitsch? crap?) the city's newest, ugliest, artistic dead end, "Baseball Bobbleheads" is off and running. They look about as bad as if someone put a baseball uniform on and then allowed you to paint over it. 11 of these duds are in place, 23 more are coming.
Each figure is exactly as hideous as all the others.
You can't make this shit up.
Natural gas supplies in the US have reached critically low levels in recent months and may be inadequate to meet demand during a hot summer this year.
- snip -
Prices are reported to have increased as much as 700 per cent over the past three years
- snip -
The problem arose after the US government encouraged natural gas as an environmentally friendly fuel but refused to open what Mr Abraham said were about 40 per cent of the potential gas resources on federal lands.
Your tax dollars at work
For only $19.95, you too can look like a complete jackass on a plane.
And in case using it doesn't make you look stupid enough, when you're not using it, you can store it in an embroidered velvet carry pouch. That's a selling point?
via boing boing
What do you do if you're a bunch of cattle-farmers and girls are abandoning beef for healthier vegetarian options? You produce the "Cool 2b Real" portal which steers teen gals at beef-related answers to all their questions, some less subtle than others: "What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends?"
Ah America... land of irresponsible power.
(Site found on Chris' list of business blunders)
I can always count on Liz for the most tasteless links on the Web!
via liz
Just look at what your tax dollars have achieved. A man can EAT tea with chopsticks in space.
Plus, they're fun--and the entertainment value shouldn't be underestimated. One day, perhaps, luxury space hotels will offer their guests afternoon tea 300 miles above Earth . No cups or plates. Just chopsticks and droplets. Now that's high tea!
Where's my checkbook?
via boing boing
This fashionable neckwear is made of 100% silk on its outer shell and contains medical filtration fabric, which filters a high percentage of germs, particles, and debris from the air you breathe. Independent lab tests of the 95C product show this material filters 98% of aerosolized droplets containing staphylococci, when particles measure an average of 2.9 microns.
I know it's just a show
I've been kind of busy pondering grad school options. While I wasn't looking, Emily seems to have been voted off MTV's Real Word / Road Rules Battle of the Sexes. Can it be true?
I feel completely irrational levels of hatred for this cold, despicable b*tch. I hate her the way Andrew hates the French.
Two bits to the person who tells me how they do this....
Super-nerd changes his name to Optimus Prime. Here's a quote:
"I got a letter from a general at the Pentagon when the name change went through and he says it was great to have the employ of the commander of the Autobots in the National Guard."
via Stereotypography/Pixelsurgeon
This place has it all! Zoloft pendants, Xanax earrings, Valuim bracelets, charms of monkeys hugging Dilaudid tablets*, Dexedrine rings and the ever so cute Xanax, Dilaudid daisy cocktail pendant.
* Alright, the Dilaudid huggin' monkey rawks. If anyone purchases this for me I will immediately change my persona @ Dog and Chimp.
via mimi smartypants
Holy crap! Who doesn't need one of those?
Embattled pop star Michael Jackson wears a prosthetic nose and once paid $150,000 for a voodoo curse to kill director Steven Spielberg!!
C'mon, channel your inner 3rd-grader...
via fark
Some 125,000 people showed up to watch the crowd of men dressed in white loincloths try to ward off bad luck by touching the body of the year's appointed "sacred man" as he entered Konomiya Shrine, near Nagoya.
...uh huh.
Bonsai Kittens
Some reporterette at the Akron Beacon Journal has her undies in a bundle over the Bonsai Kittens Site.
>>The so-called "lost Eastern art" was perverse and sickening. Seal a kitten in a jar, where its developing bones would warp into the shape of the container. Maintain life via drugs and tubes. In three or four months, you'd have an "aesthetically pleasing, custom shaped" Bonsai Kitten.<<
Uh, ignore the fact that it's a five year old internet hoax.
Valentine's blood and gore.
But cute.
Paul West didn't take the federal government's terrorism alert lightly. By Wednesday, half his entire 19th century farmhouse was covered with plastic to protect his family from a chemical or biological attack. He planned to finish the job Thursday. West paid $250 for 3,500 square feet of plastic and other supplies Wednesday morning.
"Why wait?" West said. "If there is an attack, how are you going to get the plastic?"
Richard John Adams requested Jesus Christ as his trial attorney during a hearing Wednesday on tampering charges...
Officiate one wedding... or many weddings! No committments! I'm sorry to everyone for which this is old news... i never knew this was possible.
"Dan, it's your father!" she shouted.
"Give me the phone," her husband replied. "You're messing with me."
"I just about fell out of my chair," Al Kinkade said. Kinkade, 49, had called to solicit a donation to a police and sheriff's Explorer Scout program.
(Not a good enough reason to ditch Privacy Manager)
These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
CNN needs typists, fact-checkers
"Shuttle travelling nearly 18 times speed of light" (via fark)
While watching "The Crawl" (as it is apparently known; thanks Paz) on Saturday during the second NASA briefing, CNN momentarily noted that the shuttle was travelling at "Mock 18."
Where have you been all my life?
via boing boing
Oh, what a feeling
Okay, so I'm watching MSNBC, and they cut to commercials - but before they do, they show the Toyota "Image of the Day".
Well, it's a picture of a US soldier looking down the scope of his rifle, with the words "Get the feeling" following it on the fadeout.
I'm hooked, let's shoot 'em up! Who edits this sh*t?
Bush went on to say that any living person in Iraq can be killed at his discretion.
Details at 11.
Home-made guillotine makes quick work of sleeping owner...
ever used a public toilet and wish you had brought your own sanatized toliet seat? now you can with hygen-a-seat! in 5 colors!
via late night tv
What I'd really like to know is who was responsible for determining how many "little people" they would need to compete against one elephant?
So who's comin' over on Wednesday to watch?
It's one from the archives, kiddies. Back in business. The Tellme stuff still works, too! Now, what was that about idle hands again?
He took their money and won't give it back.
This has to be the stupidest movie ever...yet I have a strange desire to see it.
Brits have funny slang.
Look at the picture and click the circles to decide if its a 'gash' or 'tash'.
via milk and cookies
sorry. i had to post, out of sheer dumb-ness...
via liz h
I Wish They All Could Be House 8 Girls.
Snap! Crackle! House 8!
Built House 8 Tough.
Unzip a House 8.
You Like House 8. House 8 Likes You.
With A Name Like House 8, It Has To Be Good.
Can You Tell House 8 From Butter?
It's a slow day on the internet today.
via The Morning News
A mother who was stranded when her teething baby ate a vital part of the car key managed to start the engine by pressing the child to the steering wheel.
THE Sept. 11 terror attacks destroyed lives, careers and a nation's psyche - and convinced "Naked News" anchor Victoria Sinclair that she needed a sabbatical from reporting the news in her birthday suit. Sinclair decided to get her priorities in order before returning to the show this week after a year off.
I'll start: "I just love the sound of democracy in the morning..."
Ok, now you...
Photo is for reference purposes only.
The husband of a Maple Heights teacher faces a charge of felony retaliation for sending the head of a dead raccoon to a member of the administration's union contract negotiating team.
"andrew falconer is currently being held in custody on his third animal abuse offense"
via evhead
You know when you've just written a tiny letter with your tiny pen and you can't find anything to put it in?
That's so frustrating.
Thank goodness, then, for tinyenvelope.com.
via daily candy
In the annals of useless words General Mills should earn special mention for coining the term "brandscape" featured on their web site.
Annoy your peers... use it in a sentence this week.
You can bet Rick Shaughnessy is.
As for me, I'm going to be doing a little brandscaping around the house this weekend.
Yer gonna poke an eye out! Or lose a toe, or something...
via Mr. Barrett
Seems the question of AstroTurf vs. Real grass has been answered in a time tested manner. And 7 suspensions...
Grant Roberts smoking from a bong as a minor leaguer in 1999.
Perhaps a little music would help set the mood...
Regarding Iraq's acceptance of immediate and unconditional demands that weapons inspectors be allowed back into Iraq:
The White House was skeptical of the offer, warning that Baghdad was trying to evade strong UN action. Washington's skepticism is hardly surprising, not only because of Saddam's long history of cat-and-mouse defiance of the UN on disarmament issues, but also because the Bush Administration's ultimate objective is not to bring Saddam into compliance with Security Council resolutions, but to win international consent for a military campaign to oust his regime. If his offer to cooperate is perceived as genuine, Saddam undermines the case for war.
What a wet blanket! How dare he undermine our case for bombing them! I swear, if he ruins this season's war...
Nerd-dom has reached a new level.
The always-controversial rocker states that Bass should "be taught a greater appreciation for nature and gravity as he hunts, kills, cleans and cooks for himself. Bass needs to quit worrying about going into outer space and embrace and celebrate life by learning how to kill his own food.
Leave a message while some really smart person takes a dump.
(Huh? Go here.)
via svn
An Indianapolis TV station reported his head is larger than that of the Chicago Bears' James "Big Cat" Williams, who reportedly wears the largest helmet in the NFL.
Ohmigod I've been waiting for this moment for sooo long.
China: It's All Just Homoerotica
Hah!
via Ryan D.
Sample article title from 'The Chaser' - Austrialia's answer to 'The Onion'. One difference though - it's NOT funny.
just go...
via sulli
You steal a car, find yourself in hot water and exit the gene pool.
Works for me.
Best compliment - ever.
Pazen, you are doing good. And you don't have a big butt!
-- K-Luv
Hey Dionne, What Time Is It?
"It's 4:20"
She coulda used a psychic friend....
Jodee Berry, 27, won a beer sales contest last May at the Panama City Beach Hooters. She believed she had won a new Toyota and happily was escorted to the restaurant's parking lot in a blindfold.
But when the blindfold was removed, she found she had won a new toy Yoda -- the little green character from the "Star Wars" movies.
It was a joke people.
I guess when you work at Hooters, the biggest thing you could possibly look forward to is a new Toyota... or a new tube top.
via The Morning News
Quite possibly the worst music video ever...
via d. campbell
A macabre practical joke has landed a Chester County man 15 years in federal prison without parole.
In May 2000, Jeffrey Price Barber, 44, tried to play a joke on his wife by firing a round from a .22-caliber rifle, smearing ketchup on his face and body, then lying on the floor in a bedroom of his house, according to a statement released Friday by the U.S. Attorney's Office in Columbia.
In July of 2001, the FBI was asked to investigate why non-resident Arabs were taking flight classes. On sept 11 they were deciding what to do about it.
I'm surprised the government doesn't just supress stories like this. Then again it did take 7 months for the story to come out.
In response to a question on why personal video recorders (PVR's) were bad for the industry, Kellner responded: "Because of the ad skips.... It's theft. Your contract with the network when you get the show is you're going to watch the spots. Otherwise you couldn't get the show on an ad-supported basis. Any time you skip a commercial or watch the button you're actually stealing the programming."
"You! Yes! You, the fat guy in Tulsa! No more bathroom breaks or we're pulling the plug!"
Remember back on Sept 10th when Shark Attacks were the focus of media news? They're baaa---accck.
Do you recall a stock known as Internet Advisory Corp. from back in the salad days of the dot-com boom?
Wonder whats happened to it since then? Well, read on for the heartwarming tale of a Web-design outfit that crashed in the tech wreck, and is now trying to resurrect itself as a topless bar.
Six months to the day after Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi flew planes into the World Trade Center, the Immigration and Naturalization Service notified a Venice, Florida, flight school that the two men are approved for student visas ! ! ! INS documents authorize the now-deceased terrorists to take flight lessons ! ! !
Of all the problems cited in the article stupidity remains unmentioned. The gov. employees who sent them out are unfamilair with the most visible terrorists in the history of the world.
Sleep well tonight in the bosom of America's protection.
Six months to the day after Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi flew planes into the World Trade Center, the Immigration and Naturalization Service notified a Venice, Florida, flight school that the two men are approved for student visas ! ! ! INS documents authorize the now-deceased terrorists to take flight lessons ! ! !
Of all the problems cited in the article stupidity remains unmentioned. The gov. employees who sent them out are unfamilair with the most visible terrorists in the history of the world.
Sleep well tonight in the bosom of America's protection.
Six months to the day after Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi flew planes into the World Trade Center, the Immigration and Naturalization Service notified a Venice, Florida, flight school that the two men are approved for student visas ! ! ! INS documents authorize the now-deceased terrorists to take flight lessons ! ! !
Of all the problems cited in the article stupidity remains unmentioned. The gov. employees who sent them out are unfamilair with the most visible terrorists in the history of the world.
Sleep well tonight in the bosom of America's protection.
Hey, if you guess right you get the pot!
Hey, if you guess right you get the pot!
Hey, if you guess right you get the pot!
asks its visitors to complete the phrase "I run" with whatever motivates them to (run). I don't (unless chased), so Pazen, our resident freako-triathlete was compelled to answer for us...
one | two
Sorry kids, but there's a profanity filter on the form. Apparently, they've also learned from their Nike iD debacle; "sweatshop" is nixed.
just go here immediately
via Linda G
via Pazen
This is almost too easy.
via Pazen via Ian C.
Um. Yeah. Just go here.
via Liz
How To Make Your Own Very Special Depanting Contraption.
This is part of the lazy test.
Turns out I'm 56% lazy . Take the test....there's a funny part about ordering from burger king that's worth taking the test.
am i hot or not rip off w/ added bonus of being able to warp people's photos...including britney spears, j-lo, alyssa milano.
via my mom
In the simplest of all terms, there is no 72-DD Kandy Kane, no Pretty Kitty club, and no boob-suffocated Daniel Greene. We checked other news sources, and nothing in this tale of freakish demise stood up to scrutiny. As fake as it is, we still love this article, if only for its "Who could have known that when he was waving his hands around, he was signaling for help?" Such mental images were meant to live forever.
Whoa. Didn't see that one coming!
Don't ask.
Just download and make your desktop happy. 1024 x 768.
A fun-filled bachelor party at a strip club turned deadly when a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was enjoying the attentions of a well-endowed stripper suffocated while his face was buried in her 72-DD breasts.
via here
What the hell was Matt Groening thinking?
The New Braunfels Herald-Zeitung reports Mr Moore told her: "If you hadn't been so tall, it would have cleared you. The front of the deer got over you. It was the back that hit you. I think it was a right hoof. It was a nice one, good sized."
E-Z LEAKER is a device that allows a person to "relieve himself on the go". A condom-like device for the men and a pouch for the women attaches to a leg bag held onto the user's leg by VELCRO straps.
I know what I'm getting everyone for Christmas!!
Upload an image file of someone's face and morph it with an ass.
[ image removed due to excess of "man ass" - MGMT ]
via
Boing Boing
I can totally see Andrew attaching one of these to HIS cell phone...especially 'benny the beaver.'
Fresh out of things to waste time with? Well, yer in luck. Waste some of your life watching Blode and Food wash their Musk Ox and then go up Blode's Space Noodle with Britney Spears with a snail on her face. Or something.
via Kristin
Infidelity? Cheating Spouse? Find out what's really going on, the quick and easy way, with the CheckMate 5 Minute Infidelity Test Kit.
The 5 Minute Infidelity Test Kit is scientifically formulated to actually monitor your spouse's sexual activity outside of the relationship by detecting traces of semen that are left in their undergarments after sex. "If they did it, it's there".
was visiting an old favorite site today...and immediately found this gentleman taking a very flattering photo of himself. i dare you to find a better one!
awhile back ago, i was sending in fake submissions(like a picture of a hillbilly with a dead deer in his truck), but the site admin eventually caught on...but somehow, this guy makes the site. it's not fair!
Cassandra Willoughby, who worked on a program that warned teens not to drink and drive, probably had seven to 10 drinks before getting behind the wheel and crashing her car.
If this is ever turned into a movie, this role has Reese Witherspoon written all over it.
It claims that it's a "must" for every fisherman, but I'm not a fisherman, so...
Ken? Ever bonk a fish?
via memepool
A.C. Slater is the weakest link
in addition to johnny monorail's post last week about the weakest link show, there was an even better one on this week....featuring talk show hosts, including: ben stein, jerry springer, mark walberg, rupaul and mario lopez...who we all may know better as A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell.
somehow, slater made his way to the final round. when in the finals (which he eventually lost to mark walberg) he recieved this great question:
anne: what metal comprises 90% of the statue of liberty?
a.c. slater: (long pause) ...it's made from cement, right? uhhh. (long pause, confused smirk) uhhhh...steel?
dumbass
-------------------------------------------------
oh, and i can't forget to include this...
hey, they forgot one...stupid sexy flanders!!
Yes, that's right. You can hire this dude to stage a massive domino rally for your corporate event.
via A Google Search for Domino Toppling... hey, it's a slow day in the office
I'll probe the obvious: what the fuck does Michael Jordan have to do with a Palm Pilot? He probably doesn't even use one! This is pure stupdumbity!
via who cares! It's everywhere!
Buyer provides round-trip plane ticket to the nearest airport, as well as cab fare to your house and back. If you are not close to an airport, you may provide me with a train ticket or other means of transportation. Do not pick me up, as I will be attacking you completely randomly. Buyer must also provide good, clear directions to their house, as well as any business expenses for if I need to stay in a hotel or buy food for myself during the trip. Most likely though I will just fly in, kick your ass, and then leave.
Hah!
via Pete M.
Any physical improvement program is at least fifty percent mental. That's why retards and tiny babies are often so out-of-shape.
Just days after Motero outed his website, Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf is dead.
So long, Johnny.
They may be able to shit-can you at work, but you'll always be welcome at House 8.
If you've ever watched Howerd Stern, you probably have seen Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf. How does such a little man get so much liqour inside of him?
A naked man seen wandering around leads authorities to his marijuana growing facility and asks for their help in harvesting it.
via Ben G
If only I had a recording of Ian
Awh aah!
(Apologies for the inside joke. I'm stuck in Atlanta where everyone is really serious and stressed out.)
via MSNBC Week in Pictures
The fine people of mulletwear.com have started a bad tattoo of the week collection...including my favorites:
- fat guy w/ jesus and the prophets on his back
- lunch ladies
- nerd w/ apple logo on his shoulder
PLEASE let the music load on this one...
The prince was playing in a charity polo match. He fell awkwardly off his horse and temporarily lost consciousness (although that's kind of hard to tell with the British.) Happily his giant ears helped cushion the fall.
Apparently, he had mistaken the horse for Camilla Parker-Bowles. Christopher Reeves could not be reached for comment.
Hey!
Ya wanna see a chick with big knockers?
via QTip
Meet the Porkchesters!
Click to Enlarge
The Danbury Mint's marketing material claims that "The Porkchesters are sure to be admired for their charm and uniqueness by all who see them in your home."
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that displaying wooden, mass-produced pigs-dressed-as-people in your home would actually elicit a far different response. Like stomach-aching laughter and public derision. Watch out for that crazy PJ Porkchester! He's a rebel!
Dang of the Day
all i know--this aint the bozo the clown i am familiar with at all. i don't think bozo would take over your entire screen like this. and the language! "hell no" would never come out of that silly clown's mouth. dang, click "hell no" and find out why i hate this clown's site. hey, bozo, stick it!
Using my ninja jedi hacking skills, I have found their homepage. Unfortunately, it looks like they're not ready to go live yet.
via buddyHEAD
The blind leading the clueless
From the X10 duscussion on Fuckedcompany.com
The problem, as I see it, is not so much that these X10 ads annoy people when they pop up, it's that they're just not aesthetically pleasing. C'mon, X10! Where's the zing, the pow, the BOOYAH? We need some extra OOMPH in those ads! (EVER HEARD OF BRAND AWARENESS???) Let's see some video in the ads! Also, I'm so tired of all these rectangles on the web. Is there any way we can get some CURVES? Like, maybe make the pop-under ad appear in a ROUND WINDOW? I think Flash will do that.
This is BOOYAH, people. Let's jazz it up a notch. Also, X10 gets so many pageviews, they should capitalize on it---perhaps sell advertising space within their ads.
It would be cool if those ads were pop-under ads of the X10 pop-under ads.
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